First of all, let’s address something right off the bat here. Sequels suck ass. Very rarely is the second of something better than the first. So don’t walk into this expecting to have your mind fucking blown like last time. That was a one time thing. I want you to set the bar so fucking low that a snake could use it to win a limbo contest in hell. So why am I writing this? Because people asked for it. Like a lot of people. The “Shamrock Shuttle” blog is not even the most read thing I’ve ever written, but I can’t go out without someone talking about it or asking me about it. I’m forever known as the asshole who wrote it. Rather than shy away from that, I’ve decided to bask in it. Because let me tell you, I have not gotten any nicer or more sympathetic since last year. I’ve only gotten worse. I’ve literally made people cry with this shit. But back then, when this blog was still a daily thing, I was kind of tame because I didn’t want to offend potential readers. I was still an idiot that thought I would generate money with this. But now that I don’t give a fuck about any of you or this blog, I have no reason to pull any punches. Just remember one thing: you asked for this. So if it sucks (I’m rusty) or you’re offended (you’re a pussy), shut the fuck up and move on. I swear to god if I get a single fucking e-mail about this, I will hunt you down and kill you in front of your loved ones. Want to say thanks or good job? Buy me a beer give me a pat on the back, and move the fuck on. Unless you’re a chick, in which case send naked pics to Timmyhateseverything@gmail.com . I appreciate the e-mails and all, but I feel like a huge dick when I read them because I’m usually a few months late.
Anyway, it’s hard to go into much detail about how much I hate the “Shamrock Shuttle” since I already wrote an entire blog on it before, but a few things have changed. Mainly me. I’m 26 now. That means I am closer to being 30 years old than I am 20 years old. I drink coffee, I have a new car, and a cubicle. Basically means I’m a grown ass man. Know what else that means? I have absolutely no fucking business being on the shuttle, and neither do you. 26 is inexcusable. Anything older than that is disgusting. And don’t tell me “you’re only as old as you feel”. NO, you are as old as you fucking are. It’s called math, it’s not new. So don’t try to use it to justify you being a fucking immature 30 year old failure that never got out of the fucking neighborhood. You’re not “crazy” or “cool”….you are sad and pathetic. Seriously, move the fuck on. You’re scaring the children that populate the shuttle. 21 is probably too fucking old to be on it, but I’ll let it slide because maybe some of those 21 year olds are trying it for the first time and have no idea what the fuck they are in for. In fact, that is one positive thing I can say about the shuttle: it’s a learning experience. Go on it once, and you’re an innocent victim. Twice? You’re an asshole. It’s a fork in the road for the youth of Philadelphia. It’s a chance to look at your elders puking all over and starting fights and think to yourself….”is this what I want to be?”. If you’re smart, the answer is no. If you’re dumb, which you probably are since you are on the shuttle to begin with, enjoy looking into your future. Know what awaits you? An unplanned pregnancy and a minimum wage job. Enjoy it, fucktard.
Last year I said it might be worth going to if you wanted to get laid easily, but you know what? Not worth it. Imagine the fucking girls you are going to find at this fucking thing. Do you really want to bang someone who just spent their day alternating between crying, pissing outside, and throwing up? Probably not. Unless you enjoy making out with someone that taste like vomit and has the self respect of some anorexic whore that just got cut from “America’s Next Top Model”. Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t fuck stupid. I can probably deal with ugly, enough booze will make me ignore fat, but I can not and will not fuck stupid. Almost every single girl I know attending the shuttle has two things in common: they’re shallow and annoying. And you know what’s even weirder? Knowing older AND younger girls on it. It’s like looking into the future and the past at the same fucking time. I can look at the now bigger/uglier/older ones and then look to my younger ones and say “that’s going to be you”…and it scares me. Really ruins the young tail for me.
So last year I was pretty much only described the girls on the shuttle, mostly because I’m a heterosexual male. But I figured for the sequel I would describe your typical guy. He’s got Jordan’s that he camped out for on, but has no actual job or legal means of income. He thinks that spending a few hundred bucks on shoes is cool, as opposed to using that money to do fun things or pay bills. He’s either too cool to dress up and is sporting just a green shirt with some beads, or went the opposite route and is wearing a completely overblown ridiculous outfit that he thinks is cool, but any real adult male would be embarrassed to be seen in. There’s about a 99% chance he has a chin strap or ghetto douchebag facial hair of some sort. If he can’t grow it, he’s trying to, and it looks like someone shaved their dick over his chin. Probably owns t-shirts with really big obnoxious text on it that say things like “PARTY HARD” or “GET DRUNK”. DEFINITELY sporting a backwards hat of a team that isn’t based in Philadelphia, or one of those ghetto white polo hats that all pieces of shit seem to gravitate to. If he does own those shirts, there’s a good chance he has his ears pierced too and has an awful tattoo of some sort. Probably something ghetto like cursive writing, a dumb saying, or a cross of some sort (Even though the Bible says NOT to get tattoos) . It’s just always something he’ll regret if he ever grows up, luckily for him, he won’t. Basically, he looks like some sack of shit you pulled out of the 80s. He’ll want to fight anyone who bumps into him, and uses words like “ratchet” and “strap, which are only used by other douchebags. This cretin loves hardcore rap and talks like those rappers, despite the fact he’s a white kid from a middle class white neighborhood. You’ll find them in either one of two places at the end of the shuttle: insulting girls they could never get, or making out/hanging over fat barely conscious slobs. I wish you’d find them in the “Daily News” under the obituaries section after they puked in the sleep and died, but alas, the Gods are not that kind.
So what should you take away from this year’s Shamrock Shuttle blog? Absolutely nothing. Seriously, fuck it. Know how I said I can’t fuck stupid? Well NO ONE can fix stupid. This shit is only going to get bigger and bigger every year. No one gives a fuck. Just baton down the hatches, because the neighborhood is going to get FUCKING WRECKED this weekend. Just trash and piss everywhere. The Shuttle wouldn’t really bother me that much if it weren’t for those poor people unfortunate enough to live around it. I can’t imagine the shit they have to deal with. It bothers me to a level I can not describe. So enjoy it, shallow loudmouth dumbfuck mouth breathers. You took a great idea, and ruined it with your insane level of stupidity. Last year I hoped the normal people attending could at least enjoy it and be left alone without incident, but you know what? FUCK THEM. You should know better. It’s like wearing a Cowboys jersey to an Eagles game. You deserve what you get. I’m willing to sacrifice the normal people to rid the world of the pieces of shit. Sorry, but nothing would please me more than the streets opening up and that bus falling into the depths of hell….right on top of that bar I lowered earlier, and hopefully crushing the snake too. I fucking hate snakes.
PS-Know what kind of made me more angry? Knowing how cheap this shit is. I rented a bus for my brother’s bachelor party this weekend, and it was only $400 bucks. So really, there is no reason you can’t just get a group of your friends together and do this on your own. Cheap assholes.