The Elderly

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There is nothing I hate more than old people, except cats and homeless people. They suck at EVERYTHING and everyone caters to them because apparently just existing for an extended period of time warrants respect. As if that’s some sort of accomplishment. Hey, you woke up today! Pat yourself on the back! I’d have more respect for you if you graciously opted out of life after completing your paternal duties, and stopped consuming the limited resources we have left on this planet. Seriously, there should just be a big ditch we put everyone when they hit like 70. And it’s not like I’m being selfish here. My parents, and more importantly Bruce Springsteen, are both getting close to 70 years old. But you know what? I’m willing to make sacrifices to make the world a better place. I’m no hero, just a regular guy trying to make the world a better place.

I can’t even imagine what goes through an elderly persons mind that makes living worth it. I’m 26 years old, and every day I wake up, my first thought is “shit, not this again”. Every day is exactly the same. I’ve got like another 4 years in me TOPS, and that’s really only to see my nice. There’s not a point in any day where I think to myself “man, I am glad I woke up today”. I can’t imagine the shit that would be going through my mind in another 30 years. I feel like at 56 you don’t even have any fight left. You just wake up in the morning and kind of let out a long defeated sigh. What do you even do as an old person? Besides drive poorly. Like just watch “the matlock” or TV land or Fox news? Fox news would go out of business without elderly people, because no middle aged person of average intelligence can watch that shit and take it seriously. So there’s another benefit, no more Fox news. Probably less traffic accidents. We could turn all old people homes into schools for dumb kids or something.

Know what else chaps my asshole? People my age that still have grandparents. Where the fuck do they get off? I haven’t had a grand parent since 7th grade. My parents are barely hanging on. Yet I know 25 year olds who ask me what to get their grandparents for their birthday. I don’t know, a coffin? Spoiled assholes. Although in a way I guess I’m glad I don’t have grandparents, because I can not handle talking to old people. My 2 year old niece and I can talk for an hour, and I may understand 5 words of it, and it’s awesome. An elderly person on the phone at work may talk to me for 10 seconds, and it’s the worst 10 seconds of my day. And I know they’re trying to be nice, and sweet, I know that. I just don’t care. I want to, I really do. But it would be dishonest of me to say I care. What I really want is for them to not exist. I can’t help it. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. Am I wrong? Absolutely not. Everything they do just takes so long. Like if I don’t know you, I shouldn’t be able to tell where the conversation is going the first time we talk. I shouldn’t be able to finish the sentences of people I’ve never spoken to. But with old people, I can. Because they’re all the same.

Today’s solution? We build a big home for the elderly on a nice island somewhere. If you hit 70, you get sent there. And 70 is generous, ok? I was thinking 60 but then I’d be killing my parents the first day this went into effect. Anyway, they get set to a nice home on a nice island. Oh, they already have old people homes? Not like this one they don’t. Because this one doesn’t have food or water. Hell, it doesn’t even have a staff or management. It’s just a building we send old people to sit in until they die. Really. we don’t even need the building. That’s just me being nice. Think of all the space we’d save. All the jobs we’d free up. How much better your drive to work would be. How less sad everyone would be who’s ever had to watch an old lady walk around miserable and alone. We could give people social security at like 40 instead of 60 so they could actually enjoy their remaining days. What the fuck does telling someone at 65 they don’t have to work anymore do for them? Their life is over already. Work ruined them. The government is just being cocky at that point. It would be a utopia. I’ll be the face of this change, so everyone can have a clear conscience. So please, talk to your elders about death.

PS- Happy birthday Dad!

Flowers as Gifts

flowers

 

Ready for Valentine’s day? Probably not if you’re a dude, because its over a week away and planning ahead is for pussies. If you’re one of those saps with the misfortune of having to spend the majority your time and money on a significant other, chances are you’re going to have to buy flowers. I don’t believe in conspiracies, except for this one: flowers are just a fucking test established by women. And as everyone knows, women all work together. Think about it. In what way can they possibly benefit from being given flowers? Oh, they want something that looks  pretty? Buy them some fucking art. They want something that smells nice? Buy some fabreze, it’ll last longer…and it’s a great way to cover up farts. Way more practical. No, the answer is simple: flowers are just a fucking test. They’re something for girls to point at and say “look what (insert moron’s name here) got me!”. Or I guess in modern society, instagram, tag, and share. They’re a way to see how gullible you are and how much you are willing to bow down. They’re like a step below engagement rings in terms of a test. To you they’re about how much you care. To her they’re about how much your willing to spend and showing off. At least they’re not as expensive, but it’s not as if they’re inexpensive.

You’d think they’d be cheap, right? I mean the seeds cost like absolutely nothing and they fucking grow in the ground. Any asshole can grow flowers if they feel like it. A homeless person could have a bed of roses, provided they could find some dirt in the alley they woke up in. There’s no expertise or studying needed. Buy some seeds, water them on the reg and let them get some sun. Sit around and wait for shit to happen. Maybe put up one of those sticks if they’re tall. It’s not rocket science. I’m sure there are some flowers that are different, but there’s also Google. So I’m pretty sure you could master roses if need be. So how in the fuck can a dozen roses possibly cost $65? It doesn’t make any god damn sense. Especially when I can go to Acme or the produce store a few blocks over and get a dozen for $20. And don’t tell me there’s a difference. Unless you’re dating a fucking botanist, I’m pretty sure no girl on earth can tell the difference. When you buy expensive ass flowers, you’re paying so the girl can brag about where they’re from. That’s why the cards always have the place of purchase on them. Because once again, it’s a fucking test. Buy a girl a dozen flowers and tell her they’re from Acme, she’ll think you’re an asshole. Buy them from a fancy flower shop and tell her, she’ll melt. Try this: buy them both and don’t tell her where the fuck either are from. There’s a 99.99% chance she can’t tell the difference. It’s like bottled water. Anyone that tells you they can tell the difference is a fucking liar.

And let me be clear: I am not a cheap man. I spend way more than I should and will treat my friends to stuff whenever I can afford to.  I have NO problem wasting my money on a girl. If I like a girl, that’s pretty much my only move since I’m a terrible person and incredibly unattractive. I’ve spent plenty of money on women in my life. I actually prefer it. I’m much more comfortable buying things to show I care than ever having to actually discuss it. I’ll spend millions before I’ll ever actually admit to liking or caring about another human being. But I’d prefer it to not be spent on something fucking stupid like flowers. Think of ANYTHING else, and I will get it for a girl with a smile on my face. You want a new bag? Practical, it holds shit. Some jewelry? Sure, gotta look sharp. Hell, take a fucking gift card  for all I care. I don’t even give a shit where it’s for, it could be to WaWa.At least you’ll be saving money and getting something you enjoy that has some longevity. But if you ask me for flowers, what you’re essentially asking me to do is take a $50-$100 bill out of my wallet and set it on fire. I understand you want to test men, but think of something better. Because watching flowers die is like watching your money slowly burn. Timmy life advice: If you ever find a woman who tells you flowers are a dumb idea, marry her. But don’t expect her not to want a huge ring. No one’s that perfect.

Ps- Yes Dad, I will still get Mom flowers despite this blog. Just don’t tell her how to use the internet or find this site.

This “No Savesies” Policy

nosavesies

Okay, so my last blog was about snow, so everyone should know how much I hate that by now. I got into detail about how it fucks everything up, including driving. Well you know what is a HUGE part of that? Parking. Parking on my street is already a shit storm without any snow. I have a barbecue every year when my parents go down the shore for the weekend, and every year my friends have to park a block or two away and walk just to get to my house. My street only has 2 sides of houses where most people own multiple cars, and parking on only one side of the street. My parents let me park out back because I have a new car and want to keep an eye on it, but my parents and any family that comes by also has to look for parking for roughly 5-10 minutes every time they come here. It’s so scarce on my street, that old people with nothing better to do wait for others to move just so they can bring their car around closer to their home even though they already had a (albeit shitty) parking spot. So let me tell you something, when someone on my block shovels out there car for an hour or two, that is their fucking spot until things are back to normal.

I am probably the most law abiding citizen you will ever meet. Aside from public intoxication, pissing in public,  and gambling, I don’t break the law. I don’t turn on red when I can and no one is around, I don’t blow stop signs, and I’m extremely courteous  on the road. Most of my friends are cops and if I didn’t have such low self-esteem, I would have applied to the PPD years ago. But I can not abide by this “No Savesies” policy the PPD is trying to enforce. Look, I know that putting a chair in my spot isn’t “legally binding”, but I also know that if you move someone else’s chair and park in their spot, you deserve to get your ass kicked.Talking in a movie theater isn’t illegal, but if you do it, don’t count on my to defend you. It’s like that guy who got shot for talking in the movies. OF COURSE no one should get shot for talking in the movies, this isn’t the wild west, and the guy that did it is a fucking psycho. But you know what? It all could’ve been avoided if he just SHUT THE FUCK UP in the movie theater. People over-react to petty shit, so I can see where the PPD is coming from. They’re basing this on how things should be and trying to prevent problems. They assume everyone has a spot out front as shovels it, everyone should have a spot. Because everyone is kind and respectful and neighborly to one another. Which is nice.That’s ideally how it should be. Unfortunately, I live in the real world, and it is most certainly not ideal. People are fucking savages when it comes to parking spots, and will fight to the death over one. I know that this whole “no savesies” thing is to prevent domestic disputes from happening, but you know what else would stop these problems? If people just fucking parked in their own god damn spot and didn’t have the audacity to take someone else’s who busted their ass getting their car out. That’s the problem when you make policies based on how things should work and not how they actually do. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s you should NEVER count on people to do the right thing.

Now of course there are people who take this chair reserving shit too far. My parents are guilty of it. They ALWAYS leave their chair outside a day or two longer than they should, and it’s embarrassing. But you know what? They’re both old as fuck and have terrible knees. I’d gladly park 2 blocks away to ensure ANY of my elderly neighbors has a spot right out front. I’m lazy as fuck, but it ain’t going to kill me to walk a few blocks. I can’t count on the other assholes around my age to think like that, because people are selfish.And here’s always going to be people who throw a chair in their spot when no shoveling was even required, and they’re fucking awful too, but we can’t let them dictate how we do things. Claiming your spot is as American as apple pie. Imagine if Columbus got his ass all the way over here and didn’t plant a flag. We’d all be dancing around in leather and hunting for food. I’m pretty sure the Native Americans walked up to Columbus when he planted that flag  and were like “what the fuck bro?” and Columbus was like “I didn’t see no fucking flag bro”, and the Native Americans were like “shit, he’s right.”  Then he killed them all and took over. And you know why? Because he planted a flag, and claimed his spot. Just like you should do every time you shovel and plant a chair. It’s a way of honoring our forefathers. It’s a way to show you love this great country. It’s a way to connect with your history. A chair in a parking spot warms my cold cold heart. It’s as American as a a bald eagle on Hulk Hogan’s shoulder  driving a gas guzzling monster of a truck and listening to Van Halen while drinking a bud. So God Bless all of you, and God bless America!

PS- We own the moon right? I mean America got there first. Do you think every time another country goes up there they take our flag down and put their own up? It’s calling dibs on a universal scale.

Snow

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Riddle me this Batman, what is the best thing ever when you’re young and the worst thing ever when you’re old and actually have things to do? Snow of course. Snow is the bane of my existence. It is fucking stupid, how people react to it is fucking stupid, and adults that enjoy snow are really fucking stupid. There is nothing enjoyable about the snow unless you have kids, and I’d imagine even then you’d probably still wish it didn’t snow. You’re just a good parent and happy your kids are having fun, but deep down, you fucking hate it. It’s like going to your child’s sporting event. Of course you’re excited to watch your kid play and have fun and learn, but at the end of the day, you’re watching a bunch of little kids play sports poorly. I’d rather raise my kid in Texas or somewhere where he (because I’m a man and will of course have a boy) never have the opportunity to see snow and feel like he’s missing out than have to suffer through this bullshit. If you live to be 60, and snow stops being fun at 15, that means that snow sucks ass for 3/4ths of your life. So it’d probably be better to just never experience it at all.

Snow ruins everything. Going to a store is impossible because people feel the need to stock up on milk and bread as if it’s the fucking 1800s and there isn’t a store within 10 minutes of every god damn house in America. I never understood this. If I need milk on a snowy day, I can suck it up and walk to a WaWa, Rite-Aid, Shop Rite, Shop N’ Bag, Acme, or CVS that are all no more than 15 minutes away. It would be impossible to walk for 5 minutes and NOT see somewhere with these items readily available. Or I could suck it up like an adult and just not have milk or bread for a fucking day, because it’s not like you’re going to starve. This is America, every snow storm is cleaned up in ONE DAY. Maybe roads are bad and some schools might be closed, but this country is like Spaceballs, we break for no one! I’ve never seen a store closed for more than a day, because we don’t live in fucking Iraq. Know what keeps America warm on a snowy day? Capitalism. Capitalism’s favorite item, gasoline, is pretty much the most pain in the dick commodity to get before a snow storm, which makes no sense. People panic and rush out to fill up their gas tank….to not drive anywhere. In my adult life, nothing has perplexed me more. Those people that do drive, do so poorly. They might as well not be on the road at all. I hate when there is hardly any snow and old people do 10mph as if they’re driving through fucking Hoth. I don’t get too stressed driving anymore, but driving slow freaks me out. I start screaming at the top of my lungs and swiveling in my seat like Michael J. Fox in a massage chair.

Know what was great about snow when you were a kid? Having off.That shit ends pretty abruptly and early on in life. I’ve had off due to snow ONCE in the 13 years I have legally (and illegally) worked. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve called out due to not wanting to smash my car for a measly 6 hour shift at $9 an hour, but my workplace has only closed one time in all of those years. When it snows I’m doing 2 things, shoveling my ass off and sleeping immediately after. And let me tell you something, nothing on Earth sucks more than shoveling. I usually enjoy working myself into exhaustion because it makes me feel accomplished, but shoveling can suck a fat bird. All you’re doing is moving shit from point A to point B, it’s the least rewarding task in the history of human existence. It’s what dumb people do for a living. I can’t shovel without a beer to keep me sane. Doesn’t matter if I’m shoveling at 6am or 6pm, there are no less than 6 beers in my system at all times during shoveling.  If I’m doing anything at all, I’m walking to my local bar and hanging out for 12 hours, which of course I regret the next day when I check my wallet and step in a puddle of my own puke. Last time it snowed I was in the bar from 3pm Friday until 3am Saturday morning, and while it seemed cool at the time, I was on my deathbed for the next 48 hours.

On the off chance I do have off tomorrow, I’ll probably be wishing I had work anyway. Know what a day off as an adult means? Back breaking chores all day like shoveling, salting, and digging your car out followed by double work on whatever day you finally do get back to work. It’s simply not worth it. I mean at least if it’s on Friday your weekend is longer, but I can’t go get crushed on a fucking Tuesday morning (if it snows tomorrow). And by can’t I mean shouldn’t, and by shouldn’t I mean I will. But that’s besides the point. The point is snow is dumb, I hate it, and you should too. Global warming needs to hurry the fuck up and end this shit.

This Swiss Cheese Flasher Fiasco

 

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Warning: I wrote this Wednesday night, so this probably seems out dated now.

Okay, so for those of you from outside of  Philadelphia, I’ll give you the gist of what the “Swiss Cheese Flasher” story is all about. because apparently it’s a huge fucking deal. So here it is: Some fat dude was whipping his dick out and flashing bitches while holding a piece of Swiss cheese. Sometimes he’ll offer money for you to touch it.That’s it. That’s the whole story. No one got hurt. No one was raped. Hell, he didn’t even do it to little girls. Yet, most people in Northeast Philadelphia treat this story as if the Taliban flew a plane into the Comcast building. I’m assuming the cover of the “Philadelphia Daily News” I saw on Facebook with him on it has to be fake, but if not, that’s how over the top the reaction has been to this. Women on Facebook talking about being scarred for life and how people shouldn’t laugh.  People shouldn’t laugh?!Hey, guess what? It’s a story about a dude whipping his dick out with a slice of cheese. What part of that isn’t funny?  Did you not read it correctly? There’s this dude, right. Who takes his dick out, and holds a piece of cheese up while doing it  turn himself on. Seriously, are you fucking dumb or just so uptight that you can’t even laugh anymore? If seeing an unwanted penis is the worst part of your day, I think you’ve had a pretty solid fucking day.I see unwanted dicks all the time, on this little thing called the internet. I wish my biggest problem was some dude whipped his dick out and offered me cheese.

Do I think this guy is an asshole? Sure. I mean you can’t just go around flashing people. It’s obviously against the law. No means no bro, everyone knows that. Well sometimes it’s “just the tip” and then no. But whatever, let’s not get sidetracked here. If he did it to little kids, it would be pretty bad. If he tried to touch someone, it would be bad. I wouldn’t even write about it.  But he didn’t. Literally the only thing that came out of this entire story is a few chicks saw some dick and got offered free cheese. I’m curious as to what the penalty even is for that. I’m pretty sure having your dick out is not illegal in like 90% of the world. America is just fucking crazy when it comes to nudity. I can watch a movie where 100 people get killed and it’s PG-13, but you show one titty and it’s rated R. Plus if he gives you the cheese afterwards, he’s just trading a good for a service. Last time I checked that’s called capitalism and we live in America. If we lived in Germany, this guy would probably get roughed up by the cops and that’d be the end of it. Hell, they’d probably just buy him a hooker to get this shit out of his system. But unfortunately everyone in this god damn country is offended by everything.

Similar to yesterday’s post about the news, I feel like more effort was used on this story than any other story in the last few years. It was unreal. Maps on the TV of his route, cops interviewed, fetish experts brought in to be interviewed for philly.com. Imagine if people were this outraged about real crime, maybe we could turn this dump of a city around. Instead, people want to dedicate the police to looking for some dude with an odd fetish. The MAXIMUM amount of effort I would have wanted dedicated to finding this guy is to have the Captain of each district ask his guys at the end of every day “anyone see that dude who keeps taking his dick out with Swiss cheese? No? Okay, let’s move on”. If this situation bothers you this much, you really need to take a long look in the mirror…preferably naked with a slice of cheese in your hand and tell me you don’t fucking laugh!

PS-If this guy looked like Channing Tatum, there would not be a single complaint against him. Chicks would be paying him for the opportunity to wrap cheese around his bird. He wouldn’t even have to ask. So don’t act all righteous you shallow assholes. #freecheesedick

PPS_My friend Jackie just informed me this guy was offering $50 too. I GUARANTEE someone took him up on this offer. $50 for a handy with the possibility of bonus cheese? That’s a fair trade 10 times out of 10.

PPPS-Like I said, I wrote this Wednesday and this guy gets locked up Thursday. I’m not saying I’m a hero, all I’m saying is you’re welcome.

eekapenis

 

People That Obsess Over Celebrities

TMZ

 

Little known fact about me: I am a news junkie. I mean I don’t watch the news, because it’s over-dramatized bullshit made for the average human being, who is typically no more intelligent than a newborn chimpanzee . I have an unquenchable thirst to know as much as possible and the attention span of a fucking 5 year old. My old job allowed me to read multiple newspapers on a daily basis. My new job allows me to be in front of a computer for 8 hours a day. When I’m not busy getting yelled at by some foreign dip shit about how he can’t be home for his delivery unless it’s on a Sunday at 4am, I’m trying to absorb as much information as possible. I live on the “today I learned” section of reddit. I check various news sites hundreds of times per day. I typically finish at least one book a week, usually two. The internet is the perfect counter-attack to my ADD. The #1 site I use is CNN.com, which apparently makes me a fucking idiot. You may be asking “How is the biggest news network in the country a bad source for news?” I’ll tell you why: because for over half of the day today, the top story was about Justin Bieber egging a fucking house.

Now I could go the easy route and bash CNN for catering to the mouth breathing masses, but I won’t. If I had to wager, I’d guess the reason that was the main headline was to generate traffic on their site. Simply put, they are doing their job.Taking the high road would probably put them out of business. The root of the problem is people that care about celebrities. Something in my 26 years on this Earth I could never seem to wrap my head around. I have a hard enough time giving a shit about what is going on in the life of anyone outside of my family, let alone some famous actor, actress, or singer. Yet some people tune in nightly to watch TMZ and chat with their friends about whatever the fuck Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are up to. Is your life that fucking boring? Because I live possibly the most boring life you can imagine, and I still have no interest in others. In fact: if there’s one thing I hate, it’s other people. But if there’s two things I hate, it’s people that care about other people.

My neighbors could beat each other to death after eating their kid’s corpse, and you know what? It wouldn’t affect me in the least. I’ve got my own problems to worry about. So it’s beyond me why anyone on Earth would give a shit what someone they have 0.00% chance of ever interacting with is up to. It’s just gossip on steroids, and gossip is for pussies. Oh man, Justin Beiber egged someone’s house? That’s fucking wild! No, seriously. Actual news is not being reported on so you can hear about some spoiled little shit acting like a 13 year old. Know what was 3 stories under this whole egging incident? A story about a US solider that was captured in Afghanistan 4 years ago being seen alive. Under that? A story about women’s rights in Saudi Arabia. Further down? 413,000 people displaced in the Southern Sudan. All of these things apparently can’t compare to Justin Bieber egging someone’s house, Kanye West fighting the paparazzi, or what CNN thinks of Jennifer Lawrence’s dress from the Golden Globes. Paul Walker would have to drive his flaming car through my fucking house for me to give a shit about him dying. Not that I wish ill on him, of course I’d prefer he be alive. I don’t wish on death on anyone or anything but cats. But I don’t think 24 hour around the clock news coverage is necessary for an actor. I think the media spent more time on his death than they did Nelson Mandela, who was an actual fucking hero.Know what happens if I die in a car wreck? They scrape me off the road and get traffic flowing like 12 minutes later.

Look, if you want to go ape shit over celebrities be my guest. This is America and you can do pretty much whatever the fuck you want. But the general public’s obsession with celebrities has reached a point that it has become unavoidable for people like myself who simply don’t give a shit. I get weird looks and basically feel like an asshole for not knowing what’s going on with famous people….by people who don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on in the world. If the ONLY place this bullshit showed up was TMZ.com and their web-site, I would have absolutely no problem with it. I mean, I think regularly watching the show or checking the site makes you an idiot, but at least it wouldn’t be a hindrance to me. If  we kept it all in one place it’d at least be tolerable. It’d be like a library for dumb people. Unfortunately, this shit has gotten so popular that it’s worked it’s way into the actual news and it’s pissing me the fuck off. I hate it, and I hate all of you that contribute to it.

 

I’m Back. (Don’t get too excited)

This is EXACTLY how I feel.  .

Well, I’m back. It’s probably not by popular demand. Although, let me start off by apologizing if you e-mailed me in the last year. There are over 100 e-emails in the Timmy Hates Everything e-mail address, and I intend on reading absolutely none of them. Seriously, that’s a lot of bullshit to plow through and it’s all outdated. You can e-mail me now if you want at Timmyhateseverything@gmail.com because I deleted all that old shit. So why am I back? 1.Because I keep getting billed for this web-site, so I need to generate some extra income to justify it’s existence. And 2. Because I genuinely don’t have anything better to do. You know when you argue online with people and they say “Don’t you have anything better to do than fight with me online?” Well guess what, I’m the guy that doesn’t. That’s not to say this is going to be daily, but I’d say 2-3 post per week is a safe bet.

So people on Facebook/older e-mails have asked what I’ve been up to. Pretty much nothing. I’ll answer the 3 main questions people who haven’t seen me always seem to ask: Same job, which I’ve mastered and become indifferent towards. New car, which I fucking love.No girl, for obvious reasons. I generally go to work, come home, and lock myself in my room until it all starts over again. I’m not some mopey emo douche bag either, I simply don’t give a shit about anything in particular. I assume this is how most adults feel most of the day. Sometimes I go to the bar to spice things up. That’s usually fun, but I drink like 20 beers per sitting and it gets expensive really quick. I guess I’ve reached that age where nothing seems entertaining anymore. I can hardly make it through a movie unless it’s a must see, and I haven’t finished a video game in like 2 months. I still read every day, but that’s only because I feel like it’s somewhat productive and educational. I don’t really talk to/text people anymore, usually because I get the feeling almost everyone I know is pissed off at me at all times. I’m as hug-able as a porcupine and as lovable as Hitler. I figure I might as well try and entertain other people since I can’t seem to entertain myself. I’d like to say I don’t have much to complain about, but I do, and you’re going to hear all about it.

Shamrock Shuttle 2: With A Vengance

I wish this is how it ended...with everyone inside still.

I wish this is how it ended…with everyone inside still.


First of all, let’s address something right off the bat here. Sequels suck ass. Very rarely is the second of something better than the first. So don’t walk into this expecting to have your mind fucking blown like last time. That was a one time thing. I want you to set the bar so fucking low that a snake could use it to win a limbo contest in hell. So why am I writing this? Because people asked for it. Like a lot of people. The “Shamrock Shuttle” blog is not even the most read thing I’ve ever written, but I can’t go out without someone talking about it or asking me about it. I’m forever known as the asshole who wrote it. Rather than shy away from that, I’ve decided to bask in it. Because let me tell you, I have not gotten any nicer or more sympathetic since last year. I’ve only gotten worse. I’ve literally made people cry with this shit. But back then, when this blog was still a daily thing, I was kind of tame because I didn’t want to offend potential readers. I was still an idiot that thought I would generate money with this.  But now that I don’t give a fuck about any of you or this blog, I have no reason to pull any punches. Just remember one thing: you asked for this. So if it sucks (I’m rusty) or you’re offended (you’re a pussy), shut the fuck up and move on. I swear to god if I get a single fucking e-mail about this, I will hunt you down and kill you in front of your loved ones. Want to say thanks or good job? Buy me a beer give me a pat on the back, and move the fuck on. Unless you’re a chick, in which case send naked pics to Timmyhateseverything@gmail.com . I appreciate the e-mails and all, but I feel like a huge dick when I read them because I’m usually a few months late.

Anyway, it’s hard to go into much detail about how much I hate the “Shamrock Shuttle” since I already wrote an entire blog on it before, but a few things have changed. Mainly me. I’m 26 now. That means I am closer to being 30 years old than I am 20 years old. I drink coffee, I have a new car, and a cubicle. Basically means I’m a grown ass man. Know what else that means? I have absolutely no fucking business being on the shuttle, and neither do you. 26 is inexcusable. Anything older than that is disgusting. And don’t tell me “you’re only as old as you feel”. NO, you are as old as you fucking are. It’s called math, it’s not new. So don’t try to use it to justify you being a fucking immature 30 year old failure that never got out of the fucking neighborhood. You’re not “crazy” or “cool”….you are sad and pathetic. Seriously, move the fuck on. You’re scaring the children that populate the shuttle. 21 is probably too fucking old to be on it, but I’ll let it slide because maybe some of those 21 year olds are trying it for the first time and have no idea what the fuck they are in for. In fact, that is one positive thing I can say about the shuttle: it’s a learning experience. Go on it once, and you’re an innocent victim. Twice? You’re an asshole. It’s a fork in the road for the youth of Philadelphia. It’s a chance to look at your elders puking all over and starting fights and think to yourself….”is this what I want to be?”. If you’re smart, the answer is no. If you’re dumb, which you probably are since you are on the shuttle to begin with, enjoy looking into your future. Know what awaits you? An unplanned pregnancy and a minimum wage job. Enjoy it, fucktard.

Last year I said it might be worth going to if you wanted to get laid easily, but you know what? Not worth it. Imagine the fucking girls you are going to find at this fucking thing. Do you really want to bang someone who just spent their day alternating between crying, pissing outside, and throwing up? Probably not. Unless you enjoy making out with someone that taste like vomit and has the self respect of some anorexic whore that just got cut from “America’s Next Top Model”. Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t fuck stupid. I can probably deal with ugly, enough booze will make me ignore fat, but I can not and will not fuck stupid. Almost every single girl I know attending the shuttle has two things in common: they’re shallow and annoying. And you know what’s even weirder? Knowing older AND younger girls on it. It’s like looking into the future and the past at the same fucking time. I can look at the now bigger/uglier/older ones and then look to my younger ones and say “that’s going to be you”…and it scares me. Really ruins the young tail for me.

So last year I was pretty much only described the girls on the shuttle, mostly because I’m a heterosexual male. But I figured for the sequel I would describe your typical guy. He’s got Jordan’s that he camped out for on, but has no actual job or legal means of income. He thinks that spending a few hundred bucks on shoes is cool, as opposed to using that money to do fun things or pay bills. He’s either too cool to dress up and is sporting just a green shirt with some beads, or went the opposite route and is wearing a completely overblown ridiculous outfit that he thinks is cool, but any real adult male would be embarrassed to be seen in. There’s about a 99% chance he has a chin strap or ghetto douchebag facial hair of some sort. If he can’t grow it, he’s trying to, and it looks like someone shaved their dick over his chin. Probably owns t-shirts with really big obnoxious text on it that say things like “PARTY HARD” or “GET DRUNK”. DEFINITELY sporting a backwards hat of a team that isn’t based in Philadelphia, or one of those ghetto white polo hats that all pieces of shit seem to gravitate to. If he does own those shirts, there’s a good chance he has his ears pierced too and has an awful tattoo of some sort. Probably something ghetto like cursive writing, a dumb saying, or a cross of some sort (Even though the Bible says NOT to get tattoos) . It’s just always something he’ll regret if he ever grows up, luckily for him, he won’t. Basically, he looks like some sack of shit you pulled out of the 80s. He’ll want to fight anyone who bumps into him, and uses words like “ratchet” and “strap, which are only used by other douchebags. This cretin loves hardcore rap and talks like those rappers, despite the fact he’s a white kid from a middle class white neighborhood. You’ll find them in either one of two places at the end of the shuttle: insulting girls they could never get, or making out/hanging over fat barely conscious slobs. I wish you’d find them in the “Daily News” under the obituaries section after they puked in the sleep and died, but alas, the Gods are not that kind.

So what should you take away from this year’s Shamrock Shuttle blog? Absolutely nothing. Seriously, fuck it. Know how I said I can’t fuck stupid? Well NO ONE can fix stupid. This shit is only going to get bigger and bigger every year. No one gives a fuck. Just baton down the hatches, because the neighborhood is going to get FUCKING WRECKED this weekend. Just trash and piss everywhere. The Shuttle wouldn’t really bother me that much if it weren’t for those poor people unfortunate enough to live around it. I can’t imagine the shit they have to deal with. It bothers me to a level I can not describe. So enjoy it, shallow loudmouth dumbfuck mouth breathers. You took a great idea, and ruined it with your insane level of stupidity. Last year I hoped the normal people attending could at least enjoy it and be left alone without incident, but you know what? FUCK THEM. You should know better. It’s like wearing a Cowboys jersey to an Eagles game. You deserve what you get. I’m willing to sacrifice the normal people to rid the world of the pieces of shit. Sorry, but nothing would please me more than the streets opening up and that bus falling into the depths of hell….right on top of that bar I lowered earlier, and hopefully crushing the snake too. I fucking hate snakes.

PS-Know what kind of made me more angry? Knowing how cheap this shit is. I rented a bus for my brother’s bachelor party this weekend, and it was only $400 bucks. So really, there is no reason you can’t just get a group of your friends together and do this on your own. Cheap assholes.

Religious Nuts

So after the recent shootings in Connecticut, this quote has been making the rounds all over the internet. Shared over 50,000 times the first day. Now I’m not going to talk about the shootings, because that is something extremely serious that I have no business talking about. I won’t be talking about gun control or mental health issues either, I’m not a politician. What I am going to talk about is the absolutely psychopathic dumb fucks who actually believe shit like this quote pictured above, because they bother me more than any type of human being on Earth. I’ll make this short for those of you who look at this quote and think to yourself “that seems pretty accurate and fair, they turned their back on God and then this happened”. GET THE FUCK OFF MY PAGE, NOW. You are so far gone from reality that nothing I saw will reach you, so just leave. To my friends who are religious (and most of them are), this probably doesn’t pertain to you. Although I’m an atheist and think religion is dumb, I respect your right to believe and think the morals in all religions are probably a good beginner’s guide to live your life around (aside from slavery being okay, gays going to hell, women having no rights,etc). No one I know is actually this crazy, but I feel like some may be heading that way. So let me break this down for you.

I”ll even prove my point from your view, as a God fearing man, because it’s that easy to prove that God had nothing to do with this. Suppose you believe in an all powerful being who sees all and knows all and can control everything. How would  a law prohibiting prayers from being said in a public school stop him from helping? Did some sort of barrier from around the school that God (the person who created you) can’t penetrate? Or did he choose not to help the “non-believers”? Because in either case, you fucking losing your argument you stupid fuck.  The only way you can justify a God, whichever God it is, from not stopping something this tragic… is that he either 1.Is not all powerful, and thus not a God. or 2. Doesn’t care, in which case he wouldn’t be worth worshiping. So which is it? Is he not all powerful or is he just an asshole that doesn’t give a shit? You lose either way. Also, where was God on 9/11? Where is he when a cop gets shot? How about those starving kids in Africa? That movie theater shooting? Oh, and in China 22 kids of the same age were attacked by a knife wielding man….does God not care about the Chinese either? See, making this argument puts you on a very slippery slope that makes you seem stupid. Actually, no. It doesn’t make you “seem” stupid if you believe this, it MAKES you stupid. Your logic is flawed and your argument is invalid. When you make an argument like this, you go from being a religious person to a religious fanatic. You’re the same sort of psycho who thinks “liking” or “sharing” a photo on Facebook makes you a good person, as opposed to actually doing something.

So while I think it’s very nice that people are pouring out support and prayers, I find it equally disgusting that people would even say something like this let alone genuinely believe it.  These are the sort of psychopaths that hate fanatics in the middle east, but then have the balls to say shit like this.  When you use arguments like this you are being insensitive and psychotic, and this is coming from a man who considers himself to be very much both of those things. If you actually do believe this shit, keep it to yourself. Because it angers intelligent people who use logic. Say a prayer for the victims, send money, volunteer if you want to. But do not insult them using arguments like this, it is disrespectful and disgusting. Go fuck yourselves, seriously.

PS- This quote, ironically from a comic, sums up this situation more appropriately.

 

 

 

Christmas Shopping

I’m back assholes, and just in time for the holidays!  I’ve been busy as fuck and generally don’t give a shit about this site anymore, but we’ve finally reached something I hate enough to get off my lazy ass and write about: Christmas shopping. I probably should have wrote about this for black Friday, but I was on my deathbed with a sinus infection for almost the entire month of November. The entire holiday season really chaps my asshole, but the shopping aspect is top 3 things I hate (the music is #1, but that’s a blog for another day). Christmas shopping is a pain in the ass that is completely based on not wanting to look bad in front of the people you know. Which obviously does not pertain to me, because I’m proud to say I think I’m easily the worst human being I know.  But since I assume most of you are normal, I decided to write about it anyway

First things first, if you camped out on Thanksgiving to save a few bucks on a TV or some other bullshit, you need to fucking kill yourself. You skipped the one good holiday of the year to buy something that will probably be on sale for the exact same price within a week or two somewhere else, or has already been sold cheap as fuck online in the past.  You are everything the world hates about America, you stupid shallow dumb fuck mouth breathers. Ditching your family to go buy a piece of shit TV for a few hundred bucks is low, and this is coming from me for christ sakes. Enjoy watching “honey boo boo” on your cheap television that will (hopefully) break in a few days retards! Furthermore, if you go to a store to actually do your shopping….you are just a complete glutton for punishment. I don’t know why anyone would put themselves through this painful process. Every store on Earth is absolutely packed with fucking smiling friendly people and obnoxious cheerful music…and you chose to put yourself there, when you have the option to sit at home drinking a beer and click a mouse to achieve the same goal. What else do you do? Use a type writer? Pay your bills with actual checks? Have a flip phone? Of course you don’t! Those things are for fucking old and poor people! So why would you actually go to the store when Amazon will match the price and ship it to you for like $2 more? Because you’re stupid, that’s why. Boy, that was easy.

Finally, don’t believe this whole “giving is better than receiving” bullshit. That’s just what some asshole made up like 50 years ago in order to get you to shop more. You’re giving because it’s expected of you. Know when giving someone something is actually genuine? Literally ANY DAY OF THE YEAR BESIDES FUCKING CHRISTMAS! Giving is a pain in the ass. Especially when you ask someone what they want and they ALWAYS respond with “I don’t know” or “whatever you want” or “I wish you wouldn’t get me anything”. Know what I wish? Christmas didn’t exist. But unfortunately it does, and society dictates that I buy you a gift and you buy me one as well. To make it easy, how about just telling me what you want? I really don’t care how much it cost, I just want this shit to be over with. It’s not like I’m rolling in dough here, but I’d gladly spend any amount of money you asked of me in order to get this charade over with quicker. The only person I actually enjoy buying things for is my niece, because she is the only person incapable of pissing me off. The bottom line is this: giving sucks, getting is awesome. But the older you get, the less you want. I struggled to think of anything I want, I usually just tell people gift cards to make it easy. The only physical item I desire is a $100 Batman book that I’ve always wanted to buy but can’t possibly justify purchasing for myself since I’m a 25 year old man and all. So let’s cut the bullshit and just make this process as painless as possible. Here’s how, America: 1. Tell the person what you want and have them tell you 2. Order it online 3. Wrap it. 4. Give it to them and feel absolutely NOTHING except regret when you look at your bank account. Merry Christmas assholes!

PS- My friend suggested I put up a list of things I want for Christmas, but I don’t feel like writing a whole blog on that bullshit. So here’s what I desire most.

1.Not to be touched by anyone, ever. Seriously, don’t fucking touch me. It freaks me out.

2.Don’t compliment me on anything at all. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m used to being berated and yelled at, I find it soothing and funny. Compliments just make me feel really awkward and I don’t know how to accept them.

3.Don’t make eye contact with me. Once again, extremely awkward for me.

4.For people to say hi to me first in the bar, because I will NEVER do it. And then you’ll complain I’m ignoring you. It’s fucking annoying.

5.For my Mom to stop talking loudly about me at 6:30 AM. I’ve been woken up to her talking about me needing a girlfriend probably 10 times in the last 3 weeks. This is especially annoying since I can sleep pretty late for my new job. Take it downstairs or shut up.