There is nothing I hate more than old people, except cats and homeless people. They suck at EVERYTHING and everyone caters to them because apparently just existing for an extended period of time warrants respect. As if that’s some sort of accomplishment. Hey, you woke up today! Pat yourself on the back! I’d have more respect for you if you graciously opted out of life after completing your paternal duties, and stopped consuming the limited resources we have left on this planet. Seriously, there should just be a big ditch we put everyone when they hit like 70. And it’s not like I’m being selfish here. My parents, and more importantly Bruce Springsteen, are both getting close to 70 years old. But you know what? I’m willing to make sacrifices to make the world a better place. I’m no hero, just a regular guy trying to make the world a better place.
I can’t even imagine what goes through an elderly persons mind that makes living worth it. I’m 26 years old, and every day I wake up, my first thought is “shit, not this again”. Every day is exactly the same. I’ve got like another 4 years in me TOPS, and that’s really only to see my nice. There’s not a point in any day where I think to myself “man, I am glad I woke up today”. I can’t imagine the shit that would be going through my mind in another 30 years. I feel like at 56 you don’t even have any fight left. You just wake up in the morning and kind of let out a long defeated sigh. What do you even do as an old person? Besides drive poorly. Like just watch “the matlock” or TV land or Fox news? Fox news would go out of business without elderly people, because no middle aged person of average intelligence can watch that shit and take it seriously. So there’s another benefit, no more Fox news. Probably less traffic accidents. We could turn all old people homes into schools for dumb kids or something.
Know what else chaps my asshole? People my age that still have grandparents. Where the fuck do they get off? I haven’t had a grand parent since 7th grade. My parents are barely hanging on. Yet I know 25 year olds who ask me what to get their grandparents for their birthday. I don’t know, a coffin? Spoiled assholes. Although in a way I guess I’m glad I don’t have grandparents, because I can not handle talking to old people. My 2 year old niece and I can talk for an hour, and I may understand 5 words of it, and it’s awesome. An elderly person on the phone at work may talk to me for 10 seconds, and it’s the worst 10 seconds of my day. And I know they’re trying to be nice, and sweet, I know that. I just don’t care. I want to, I really do. But it would be dishonest of me to say I care. What I really want is for them to not exist. I can’t help it. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. Am I wrong? Absolutely not. Everything they do just takes so long. Like if I don’t know you, I shouldn’t be able to tell where the conversation is going the first time we talk. I shouldn’t be able to finish the sentences of people I’ve never spoken to. But with old people, I can. Because they’re all the same.
Today’s solution? We build a big home for the elderly on a nice island somewhere. If you hit 70, you get sent there. And 70 is generous, ok? I was thinking 60 but then I’d be killing my parents the first day this went into effect. Anyway, they get set to a nice home on a nice island. Oh, they already have old people homes? Not like this one they don’t. Because this one doesn’t have food or water. Hell, it doesn’t even have a staff or management. It’s just a building we send old people to sit in until they die. Really. we don’t even need the building. That’s just me being nice. Think of all the space we’d save. All the jobs we’d free up. How much better your drive to work would be. How less sad everyone would be who’s ever had to watch an old lady walk around miserable and alone. We could give people social security at like 40 instead of 60 so they could actually enjoy their remaining days. What the fuck does telling someone at 65 they don’t have to work anymore do for them? Their life is over already. Work ruined them. The government is just being cocky at that point. It would be a utopia. I’ll be the face of this change, so everyone can have a clear conscience. So please, talk to your elders about death.
PS- Happy birthday Dad!