First of all, let’s address something right off the bat here. Sequels suck ass. Very rarely is the second of something better than the first. So don’t walk into this expecting to have your mind fucking blown like last time. That was a one time thing. I want you to set the bar so fucking low that a snake could use it to win a limbo contest in hell. So why am I writing this? Because people asked for it. Like a lot of people. The “Shamrock Shuttle” blog is not even the most read thing I’ve ever written, but I can’t go out without someone talking about it or asking me about it. I’m forever known as the asshole who wrote it. Rather than shy away from that, I’ve decided to bask in it. Because let me tell you, I have not gotten any nicer or more sympathetic since last year. I’ve only gotten worse. I’ve literally made people cry with this shit. But back then, when this blog was still a daily thing, I was kind of tame because I didn’t want to offend potential readers. I was still an idiot that thought I would generate money with this.  But now that I don’t give a fuck about any of you or this blog, I have no reason to pull any punches. Just remember one thing: you asked for this. So if it sucks (I’m rusty) or you’re offended (you’re a pussy), shut the fuck up and move on. I swear to god if I get a single fucking e-mail about this, I will hunt you down and kill you in front of your loved ones. Want to say thanks or good job? Buy me a beer give me a pat on the back, and move the fuck on. Unless you’re a chick, in which case send naked pics to Timmyhateseverything@gmail.com . I appreciate the e-mails and all, but I feel like a huge dick when I read them because I’m usually a few months late.

Anyway, it’s hard to go into much detail about how much I hate the “Shamrock Shuttle” since I already wrote an entire blog on it before, but a few things have changed. Mainly me. I’m 26 now. That means I am closer to being 30 years old than I am 20 years old. I drink coffee, I have a new car, and a cubicle. Basically means I’m a grown ass man. Know what else that means? I have absolutely no fucking business being on the shuttle, and neither do you. 26 is inexcusable. Anything older than that is disgusting. And don’t tell me “you’re only as old as you feel”. NO, you are as old as you fucking are. It’s called math, it’s not new. So don’t try to use it to justify you being a fucking immature 30 year old failure that never got out of the fucking neighborhood. You’re not “crazy” or “cool”….you are sad and pathetic. Seriously, move the fuck on. You’re scaring the children that populate the shuttle. 21 is probably too fucking old to be on it, but I’ll let it slide because maybe some of those 21 year olds are trying it for the first time and have no idea what the fuck they are in for. In fact, that is one positive thing I can say about the shuttle: it’s a learning experience. Go on it once, and you’re an innocent victim. Twice? You’re an asshole. It’s a fork in the road for the youth of Philadelphia. It’s a chance to look at your elders puking all over and starting fights and think to yourself….”is this what I want to be?”. If you’re smart, the answer is no. If you’re dumb, which you probably are since you are on the shuttle to begin with, enjoy looking into your future. Know what awaits you? An unplanned pregnancy and a minimum wage job. Enjoy it, fucktard.

Last year I said it might be worth going to if you wanted to get laid easily, but you know what? Not worth it. Imagine the fucking girls you are going to find at this fucking thing. Do you really want to bang someone who just spent their day alternating between crying, pissing outside, and throwing up? Probably not. Unless you enjoy making out with someone that taste like vomit and has the self respect of some anorexic whore that just got cut from “America’s Next Top Model”. Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t fuck stupid. I can probably deal with ugly, enough booze will make me ignore fat, but I can not and will not fuck stupid. Almost every single girl I know attending the shuttle has two things in common: they’re shallow and annoying. And you know what’s even weirder? Knowing older AND younger girls on it. It’s like looking into the future and the past at the same fucking time. I can look at the now bigger/uglier/older ones and then look to my younger ones and say “that’s going to be you”…and it scares me. Really ruins the young tail for me.

So last year I was pretty much only described the girls on the shuttle, mostly because I’m a heterosexual male. But I figured for the sequel I would describe your typical guy. He’s got Jordan’s that he camped out for on, but has no actual job or legal means of income. He thinks that spending a few hundred bucks on shoes is cool, as opposed to using that money to do fun things or pay bills. He’s either too cool to dress up and is sporting just a green shirt with some beads, or went the opposite route and is wearing a completely overblown ridiculous outfit that he thinks is cool, but any real adult male would be embarrassed to be seen in. There’s about a 99% chance he has a chin strap or ghetto douchebag facial hair of some sort. If he can’t grow it, he’s trying to, and it looks like someone shaved their dick over his chin. Probably owns t-shirts with really big obnoxious text on it that say things like “PARTY HARD” or “GET DRUNK”. DEFINITELY sporting a backwards hat of a team that isn’t based in Philadelphia, or one of those ghetto white polo hats that all pieces of shit seem to gravitate to. If he does own those shirts, there’s a good chance he has his ears pierced too and has an awful tattoo of some sort. Probably something ghetto like cursive writing, a dumb saying, or a cross of some sort (Even though the Bible says NOT to get tattoos) . It’s just always something he’ll regret if he ever grows up, luckily for him, he won’t. Basically, he looks like some sack of shit you pulled out of the 80s. He’ll want to fight anyone who bumps into him, and uses words like “ratchet” and “strap, which are only used by other douchebags. This cretin loves hardcore rap and talks like those rappers, despite the fact he’s a white kid from a middle class white neighborhood. You’ll find them in either one of two places at the end of the shuttle: insulting girls they could never get, or making out/hanging over fat barely conscious slobs. I wish you’d find them in the “Daily News” under the obituaries section after they puked in the sleep and died, but alas, the Gods are not that kind.

So what should you take away from this year’s Shamrock Shuttle blog? Absolutely nothing. Seriously, fuck it. Know how I said I can’t fuck stupid? Well NO ONE can fix stupid. This shit is only going to get bigger and bigger every year. No one gives a fuck. Just baton down the hatches, because the neighborhood is going to get FUCKING WRECKED this weekend. Just trash and piss everywhere. The Shuttle wouldn’t really bother me that much if it weren’t for those poor people unfortunate enough to live around it. I can’t imagine the shit they have to deal with. It bothers me to a level I can not describe. So enjoy it, shallow loudmouth dumbfuck mouth breathers. You took a great idea, and ruined it with your insane level of stupidity. Last year I hoped the normal people attending could at least enjoy it and be left alone without incident, but you know what? FUCK THEM. You should know better. It’s like wearing a Cowboys jersey to an Eagles game. You deserve what you get. I’m willing to sacrifice the normal people to rid the world of the pieces of shit. Sorry, but nothing would please me more than the streets opening up and that bus falling into the depths of hell….right on top of that bar I lowered earlier, and hopefully crushing the snake too. I fucking hate snakes.

PS-Know what kind of made me more angry? Knowing how cheap this shit is. I rented a bus for my brother’s bachelor party this weekend, and it was only $400 bucks. So really, there is no reason you can’t just get a group of your friends together and do this on your own. Cheap assholes.

So after the recent shootings in Connecticut, this quote has been making the rounds all over the internet. Shared over 50,000 times the first day. Now I’m not going to talk about the shootings, because that is something extremely serious that I have no business talking about. I won’t be talking about gun control or mental health issues either, I’m not a politician. What I am going to talk about is the absolutely psychopathic dumb fucks who actually believe shit like this quote pictured above, because they bother me more than any type of human being on Earth. I’ll make this short for those of you who look at this quote and think to yourself “that seems pretty accurate and fair, they turned their back on God and then this happened”. GET THE FUCK OFF MY PAGE, NOW. You are so far gone from reality that nothing I saw will reach you, so just leave. To my friends who are religious (and most of them are), this probably doesn’t pertain to you. Although I’m an atheist and think religion is dumb, I respect your right to believe and think the morals in all religions are probably a good beginner’s guide to live your life around (aside from slavery being okay, gays going to hell, women having no rights,etc). No one I know is actually this crazy, but I feel like some may be heading that way. So let me break this down for you.

I”ll even prove my point from your view, as a God fearing man, because it’s that easy to prove that God had nothing to do with this. Suppose you believe in an all powerful being who sees all and knows all and can control everything. How would  a law prohibiting prayers from being said in a public school stop him from helping? Did some sort of barrier from around the school that God (the person who created you) can’t penetrate? Or did he choose not to help the “non-believers”? Because in either case, you fucking losing your argument you stupid fuck.  The only way you can justify a God, whichever God it is, from not stopping something this tragic… is that he either 1.Is not all powerful, and thus not a God. or 2. Doesn’t care, in which case he wouldn’t be worth worshiping. So which is it? Is he not all powerful or is he just an asshole that doesn’t give a shit? You lose either way. Also, where was God on 9/11? Where is he when a cop gets shot? How about those starving kids in Africa? That movie theater shooting? Oh, and in China 22 kids of the same age were attacked by a knife wielding man….does God not care about the Chinese either? See, making this argument puts you on a very slippery slope that makes you seem stupid. Actually, no. It doesn’t make you “seem” stupid if you believe this, it MAKES you stupid. Your logic is flawed and your argument is invalid. When you make an argument like this, you go from being a religious person to a religious fanatic. You’re the same sort of psycho who thinks “liking” or “sharing” a photo on Facebook makes you a good person, as opposed to actually doing something.

So while I think it’s very nice that people are pouring out support and prayers, I find it equally disgusting that people would even say something like this let alone genuinely believe it.  These are the sort of psychopaths that hate fanatics in the middle east, but then have the balls to say shit like this.  When you use arguments like this you are being insensitive and psychotic, and this is coming from a man who considers himself to be very much both of those things. If you actually do believe this shit, keep it to yourself. Because it angers intelligent people who use logic. Say a prayer for the victims, send money, volunteer if you want to. But do not insult them using arguments like this, it is disrespectful and disgusting. Go fuck yourselves, seriously.

PS- This quote, ironically from a comic, sums up this situation more appropriately.

 

 

 

I’m back assholes, and just in time for the holidays!  I’ve been busy as fuck and generally don’t give a shit about this site anymore, but we’ve finally reached something I hate enough to get off my lazy ass and write about: Christmas shopping. I probably should have wrote about this for black Friday, but I was on my deathbed with a sinus infection for almost the entire month of November. The entire holiday season really chaps my asshole, but the shopping aspect is top 3 things I hate (the music is #1, but that’s a blog for another day). Christmas shopping is a pain in the ass that is completely based on not wanting to look bad in front of the people you know. Which obviously does not pertain to me, because I’m proud to say I think I’m easily the worst human being I know.  But since I assume most of you are normal, I decided to write about it anyway

First things first, if you camped out on Thanksgiving to save a few bucks on a TV or some other bullshit, you need to fucking kill yourself. You skipped the one good holiday of the year to buy something that will probably be on sale for the exact same price within a week or two somewhere else, or has already been sold cheap as fuck online in the past.  You are everything the world hates about America, you stupid shallow dumb fuck mouth breathers. Ditching your family to go buy a piece of shit TV for a few hundred bucks is low, and this is coming from me for christ sakes. Enjoy watching “honey boo boo” on your cheap television that will (hopefully) break in a few days retards! Furthermore, if you go to a store to actually do your shopping….you are just a complete glutton for punishment. I don’t know why anyone would put themselves through this painful process. Every store on Earth is absolutely packed with fucking smiling friendly people and obnoxious cheerful music…and you chose to put yourself there, when you have the option to sit at home drinking a beer and click a mouse to achieve the same goal. What else do you do? Use a type writer? Pay your bills with actual checks? Have a flip phone? Of course you don’t! Those things are for fucking old and poor people! So why would you actually go to the store when Amazon will match the price and ship it to you for like $2 more? Because you’re stupid, that’s why. Boy, that was easy.

Finally, don’t believe this whole “giving is better than receiving” bullshit. That’s just what some asshole made up like 50 years ago in order to get you to shop more. You’re giving because it’s expected of you. Know when giving someone something is actually genuine? Literally ANY DAY OF THE YEAR BESIDES FUCKING CHRISTMAS! Giving is a pain in the ass. Especially when you ask someone what they want and they ALWAYS respond with “I don’t know” or “whatever you want” or “I wish you wouldn’t get me anything”. Know what I wish? Christmas didn’t exist. But unfortunately it does, and society dictates that I buy you a gift and you buy me one as well. To make it easy, how about just telling me what you want? I really don’t care how much it cost, I just want this shit to be over with. It’s not like I’m rolling in dough here, but I’d gladly spend any amount of money you asked of me in order to get this charade over with quicker. The only person I actually enjoy buying things for is my niece, because she is the only person incapable of pissing me off. The bottom line is this: giving sucks, getting is awesome. But the older you get, the less you want. I struggled to think of anything I want, I usually just tell people gift cards to make it easy. The only physical item I desire is a $100 Batman book that I’ve always wanted to buy but can’t possibly justify purchasing for myself since I’m a 25 year old man and all. So let’s cut the bullshit and just make this process as painless as possible. Here’s how, America: 1. Tell the person what you want and have them tell you 2. Order it online 3. Wrap it. 4. Give it to them and feel absolutely NOTHING except regret when you look at your bank account. Merry Christmas assholes!

PS- My friend suggested I put up a list of things I want for Christmas, but I don’t feel like writing a whole blog on that bullshit. So here’s what I desire most.

1.Not to be touched by anyone, ever. Seriously, don’t fucking touch me. It freaks me out.

2.Don’t compliment me on anything at all. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m used to being berated and yelled at, I find it soothing and funny. Compliments just make me feel really awkward and I don’t know how to accept them.

3.Don’t make eye contact with me. Once again, extremely awkward for me.

4.For people to say hi to me first in the bar, because I will NEVER do it. And then you’ll complain I’m ignoring you. It’s fucking annoying.

5.For my Mom to stop talking loudly about me at 6:30 AM. I’ve been woken up to her talking about me needing a girlfriend probably 10 times in the last 3 weeks. This is especially annoying since I can sleep pretty late for my new job. Take it downstairs or shut up.

 

 

Happy Hallo—-JUST KIDDING! Halloween is fucking stupid for so many reasons that I could probably write a blog a day for the entire month of October about it, but I won’t because I’m lazy. Nothing irks me more than being asked all month what I’m being for Halloween. How about a fat drunk angry Irishman that can’t seem to ever catch a fucking break and is one Halloween related question away from choking the life out of someone? Does that grab ya? Seriously though, how am I supposed to answer that question? The real answer would be ” I’m not being anything for Halloween because I’m 25 years old and not a fucking child”…but that probably wouldn’t go over well. That’s just the tip of the iceberg too when it comes to Halloween. At least I don’t talk to enough people to be asked that question frequently. Halloween has nothing to offer me at all.

Scary movies? Stupid, already covered. Candy? No thanks, once again, I’m a fucking grown ass man. Will I eat candy occasionally? Sure. But I’m not about to get all chubbed up over getting a bag of some dog shit candy thrown together specifically to disappoint trick or treaters everywhere.  Haunted houses? I did my first one since first grade 2 weeks ago and only made it through because I was drinking for roughly 12 hours before it and had someone to hold onto during the walk (never again). Even girls in slutty costumes never really did it for me. Initially I’m pretty excited, but than my overworked brain kicked in and reminds me I’m not attracted to girls that dress like whores. I’ve been that way my whole life and I have no idea why. Also, the unoriginality is absolutely incredible and unattractive. If you’re a typical girl, here is a list of what you were for Halloween: a cat, catwoman (this year only), a slutty angel, a slutty devil, a slutty schoolgirl, a slutty nurse, a slutty police woman. Congratulations on being like everyone else ever, really top notch stuff, pat yourself on the fucking back. I swear to God I’d marry the first girl I saw in a Casey Anthony costume just out of principle. Now that’s my idea of a dream girl.

How about the obnoxious decorations people have? As John from the fan page pointed out, those big obnoxious blow up decorations can suck a big fat dick. My neighbors have had a giant spider out front for the last 2 months that I was secretly wishing would pop, land on their loud ass dog, and suffocate him. Yeah, I’m an animal guy but that motherfucker is like Kujo. He needs to be stopped. I also hate people who spend thousands of dollars on converting their house into a haunted house for ONE FUCKING NIGHT. Just shows how fucking much getting old sucks when something as girly as decorating your house turns into a dick measuring contest. Look, it’s cool for the kids and all…but really, how obnoxious is that? You threw away a shit ton of money on fucking decorations and props that are only appreciated one day a year. If you really want to shit your money away like that, why don’t you just give to a charity or something? Or better yet, me! I could use it after losing 2 days worth of pay to this thundercunt Sandy.

So let’s just keep Halloween to the basics please. It’s about kids going out, causing trouble, and getting candy. And high school kids dressing like whores and freezing their asses off at kegs in places like Palmer and Chalfont. If you’re old enough to go to war or vote, you should not be dressed up. If you’re a man, you should not be dressed up. If you’re an overweight female, you should not be dressed up. And even if you’re  a hot chick, I’m going to be turned on at your body yet disgusted with you as a human being (I’m hard to please as you can see). The only adults who should be dressed up are parents dressing up with their kids…and even that’s kind of weird to me. Stop being obnoxious with decorations. Stop buying shitty cheap candy that no kid actually wants to eat. If you’re going to be part of Halloween, do it right. I swear to God nothing pissed me off more as a kid than coming home and seeing a pack of “bottle caps” or “dots” or god forbid a fucking apple in my candy bag. And jesus christ elderly people, STOP GIVING OUT FUCKING PENNIES. You have like 8 days left of life in your system, but couldn’t splurge on some fucking Kit-Kat’s. Know what normal kids do with those pennies? Throw them at people. Most of all, stop asking me about Halloween or talking about it on Facebook. It’s not for you.  If Halloween was intended for you, it wouldn’t be about buying costumes and toys and eating candy now would it?

PS- I did have a great Halloween costume idea that I will share with you since you wasted part of your day reading this crap. I was going to dress as Jerry Sandusky and have my niece dress as a little boy in Penn State gear. Unfortunately she’s not old enough to trick or treat yet, so it was all for naught. I was told this was too much to ever wear…sensitive people ruin everything.

So I’m going camping this weekend, and when I go camping, I like to turn on full blown white trash mode. Which of course means I HAVE to go to Walmart. Where else am I going to find a t-shirt with a bald eagle driving in a NASCAR vehicle equipped with a “Obama is a socialist” bumper sticker while chugging a Budweiser and running over women and immigrants? Target? I don’t think so. So even though I consider Walmart to be the most vile place on Earth, I go there out of necessity…and by necessity, I mean complete stupidity. I literally went there and bought a machete, camo thermals, beef jerky, and 2 cans of chili. Why? Because it makes me laugh. However, I laugh when I think about it now, not while I’m in the store. Because Walmart is a complete shit hole of a place that I wish would be wiped off the face of the Earth. Since I only go once a year, I felt the need to write my experience now…before I subconsciously block it out of my mind like some abused child.

First of all, the chore that is going to Walmart begins before I even enter it. I literally park about 10 minutes away because I don’t want my shiny new car being dinged by some toothless fucktard popping in to buy a clip on tie for his friend that just ODed on meth’s funeral. Excessive? Not in the least. Last time I took my new car to Walmart, I parked in the absolute furthest possible spot. Not a car within 20 yards..and you know what? My door had a fucking dent in it when I came out, which was only about 20 minutes later. When you finally do enter the store, the first thing you’ll notice is the smell. It smells exactly like the people who shop and work there look: shitty. I don’t know how someone could work there all day and not want to die. I feel like I need to shower 10 seconds after I walk in the door. A 10 hour shift would have me vomiting on the floor, not that anyone would notice…because Walmart is a fucking dump. Walmart is like the middle east of stores, just pure fucking chaos. Unfortunately the people in Walmart don’t blow themselves up, though I’m still holding out hope.

There is just shit everywhere. Clothes with knives, food with DVDs, televisions with camping supplies. Absolutely no organization whatsoever. I’m sure it all started off well organized and clean, but I don’t think anyone has bothered to tidy up since about 1992. Even if they wanted to clean up the store, I don’t think the mouth breathers working there could handle it. I always laughed when people said Walmart employees are treated unfairly and should be allowed to unionize. Do these people really seem competent enough to be a Union? I swear to god the girl that rang me up tonight had to call the manager and ask how to activate the debit swiper thing. This is of course after I stood there for 2 minutes waiting for her to finish counting a roll of quarters clearly labeled $10 as if the coins were some sort of new alien mineral that she had discovered. One thing every god damn trip to Walmart has in common is that despite the fact there are about 20 lanes to be rung up on, almost none of them are open. I counted tonight, only 3 were. Which is fine, I prefer self-check out anyway. The less I have to interact with other human beings, the better I feel. However, the self check out registers have NEVER been functioning properly when I’ve visited. Every single one is “out of service” every time I go. I think they never actually worked and no one ever bothered to try and fix them. So no, I don’t want you guys to Unionize. I don’t think that many fucking retards should be allowed in the same room at once, unless it’s a fucking gas chamber.

Lastly, the people who shop at Walmart are the shit stains on the underpants of society. I swear to Christ they basically have a fucking uniform. Walmart regulars are big fat assholes in pajama pants with shirts that have dumb sayings on them arguing over which shitty Adam Sandler movie they want to buy on DVD. Yeah, that’s right. They still buy DVDs, because they’re too fucking poor for blu-ray and too fucking stupid to illegally download their movies like a normal person. This is after they buy the newest Nickelback CD of course. You will NEVER see an attractive woman in Walmart either, unless she’s being dragged around the store under some obese thundercunt’s tire on one of those “I’m too fucking fat to walk” motorized scooter. The only good thing I have to say about Walmart is that it makes me feel good about myself. Normally I’m pretty down on myself. I’m generally a socially awkward and ugly mook, with an awful personality to boot. But not in Walmart, in Walmart I’m basically Brad Pitt with the brains of Bill Nye the Science Guy. Unfortunately my brains and looks are wasted, because I’m surrounded by ugly stupid people that would have been better off had they been dropped by the doctor upon being pulled out of their failure of a mother’s cunt.

 

So it’s October, which means Halloween (which is also stupid) related shit is inbound. The dumbest of which of course being scary movies. Scary movies are like the reality television of cinema. The dumber you are, the more enjoyable it will be. There is not a single scary movie that I would list in the top 25 movies I’ve ever seen, and Timmy knows a shit ton about movies. There are very few scary movies I would consider smart enough to actually be good…”The Blair Witch” project is the only one I can think of currently though. And no, “Seven” and “The Sixth Sense” don’t count…they’re not scary movies, they’re thrillers. So don’t fucking question my movie knowledge, I’m an AMAZING critic. It’s one of the few things that piss me off. I have impeccable taste when it comes to things like movies, television, and books. If I tell you something is worth watching, it probably is. Therefore, I think the best way to judge someone (before getting to know them of course, but really, who wants to do that?) is by examining what they like. If someone were to tell me they enjoyed the “Fast and Furious” movies, I would automatically know that I will NEVER want to talk to that person…because he/she is fucking dumb. If someone were to tell me their favorite movie was some generic scary movie, they would also be dumb…and weird as shit to boot.

First of all, paying money to feel scared is a concept I can never wrap my head around. I don’t know about you, but my idea of fun is not waiting for something to pop out and give me a heart attack or watching people be butchered to death by some weirdo. I do my best to avoid loud noises and surprises. Why would I want to pay for 120 minutes of it happening nonstop? Don’t get it twisted either, I love violence in movies, but there has to be a reason behind it. Watching someone be killed isn’t satisfying unless I WANT that person to be killed. Watching Uma Thurman kill 88 bad guys in “Kill Bill” is satisfying because she’s on a quest for revenge and they all deserve it. Last night I watched “Unforgiven” for the first time and nearly jumped out of my seat when Clint Eastwood went to town and killed basically every asshole in the movie at the end. Shit, no one even dies for the first 90 minutes of that movie, but when they do it felt GREAT. Scary movies have people dying simply for the sake of dying…which is just really fucking weird to me. I don’t know why people see shitty movies like whatever “Saw” we’re up to, which started off pretty solid but has since the 2nd one have become pretty much legal snuff films. It’s unnerving to me that people want to go watch people be butchered in gruesome detail with absolutely no reasoning or back-story to it. Why wouldn’t you just go on the internet and watch real people die if that’s your thing? If you’re going to be a weirdo, go full weirdo. Don’t half ass it and tell me you like the idea of watching people be mutilated, but it’s not weird because it’s fake.

But really, the main reason I hate scary movies is how fucking dumb every single character has to be in able for them to ever work. The amount of suspension of disbelief needed to get through a slasher flick is way too much for me to process. If you have a movie where a monster is killing people or aliens are invading, I’m up for anything. We’ve already established that shit is going to be absolutely ridiculous and over the top, so go all in. But “slasher” films like “Scream” are generally based in reality, so they don’t get a pass. The only reason these movies ever work is because each character is a dumb fuck mouth breather that thinks it’s a good idea to split up when ONE FUCKING PERSON is hunting them with A GOD DAMN KNIFE. Know what a group of people would do if they were being hunted in a house by someone with a knife? Stay in one room together and beat the living shit out of him. Yeah, someone’s probably going to get stabbed and possibly die. But it’s a lot better than each person going separate ways, UNARMED, to be picked off one by one. Plus I don’t think even the biggest psychopath is ballsy enough to charge into a room full of 5 people fighting for their lives.

I simply don’t have it in me to think people would react this poorly in real life. Characters in scary movies are about as useful as someone with a GED on “Jeopardy”. The tension only exist because of unbelievably poor decisions. I love “The Walking Dead”, I’ve been reading it since it came out like ten years ago and have seen every episode of the show at least twice. But you know what I HATE about the show? EVERY god damn second of tension comes from some little shit kid or hysterical woman not being where they’re supposed to be instead of tension between survivors. The comic book is at a point where zombies are a non-issue. I mean really, if a zombie outbreak happened in real life only the dumbest of fucks would die. Go to the top of an escalator and you’re automatically safe. On the other hand, the show leans on the same crutch as scary movies: people repeatedly doing stupid things that no normal human being would do. Oh, Carl is playing out in the fields messing with zombies instead of sitting in the heavily fortified farm house….again? How shocking. Please, go save him. Because that’s exactly what the post-apocalyptic world needs: poor decision makers. It’s always going to be the same in movies/television, because with logic or intelligence the story can not progress. By the end of every scary movie the only person I wish was dead is myself.

PS- If you agree with this blog, go watch “Cabin in The Woods”. It’s a (not really) scary movie that basically makes fun of the genre and tries to explain why everyone in them is so dumb. One of the best movies I’ve seen in a while. You’re welcome.

PPS- Whoever made that move should send me a copy on blu-ray for plugging it.

I know I’m no longer a student (graduated college 2 years ago), but I remember this shit like it was yesterday. Every god damn semester I would have at least one class with someone who was too old to be in school, and all they did was fuck up my day. Just real teeth grinding and fist clenching bullshit that’s probably partly responsible for it taking me 5 years to graduate. I’m generally a pretty smart guy….when I want to be. I went through three semesters in a row of college level Spanish with straight As after not having it since I was 14 because my professor/classmates were cool and I needed to do it to graduate. On the flip side, I failed the same math class like 5 times. Why? Because it was so fucking frustrating that I would just give up. And I don’t mean it’s frustrating as in difficult, I can learn pretty much anything when I feel like it. I mean frustrating as in my professor was so fucking old and out of her mind that she would not show up for literally weeks on end and test the day she came back. (Eventually a different teacher showed up and I got a B+ in one try). Now imagine that same type of asshole, except as a fellow student. Probably doesn’t seem as bad, right? Well students, you could not be more wrong.

A middle aged woman student is more dangerous to a classroom than a bullied goth kid living in middle America with a stockpile of guns. They will absolutely just suck your soul out of your body like a god damn dementor ( I like Harry Potter, what of it?!). How do they do this? By doing what all middle-aged women do….behaving in an extraordinarily annoying fashion while seeming innocent and naive. Unlike everyone else in the room, she is EXCITED to be there, because her life is so sad by now she has nothing else to look forward to. She views her professor as a peer, not a superior, despite the fact she is mentally on par with a 19 year old. She has nothing better to do than homework, so sheWILL ask for it. A middle aged woman in a college classroom is like that kid who ask too many questions….but 100x worse, because when she gets an answer it only leads to more questions. Any question asked will be answered with some irrelevant story about her life or some cute little story about her fucking kids. If a normal college aged kid does a presentation or answers a question…she will question him or her, despite the fact everyone else is keeping their mouths shut for that poor hungover kid’s benefit. When class is wrapping up she will find a way to extend it. She is a compassion-less monster, and she needs to be stopped.

On the male side of the spectrum, we have the elderly man who already went to college, but decided to go back for kicks. To this well educated and already well off veteran of World War 1 and/or World War 2, I have only two words to say: FUCK YOU. What sort of sick fuck goes through college and decides to come back?! What else do you enjoy? Cleaning? A colonoscopy? Being punched in the dick repeatedly? Because sitting in a classroom is on par with all of those things to the younger folk in the class. He is the same sort of dickhead who shows up to a freezing cold football game where everyone is bundled up wearing only shorts and no shirt. It takes a special sort of dick head to sit a room with a big shit eating grin on his face while people are being bored to tears with useless information they’re only going to focus on long enough to pass the class. Know what he does when people mention something from history? Does what all elderly people do…goes on a long winded boring ass story about what it was like for him. Hey buddy, guess what? I don’t give a fuck about your life. In fact, I didn’t even give a shit with the hot blonde next to me had to say when I was in class…I just wanted it to be over with. I just want to know what my professor wants me to have memorized for the next test. I’m usually not genuinely interested in whatever is being taught, and if I am, I’ll read and discuss it on my own time so I don’t hold up the rest of the class. It’s a complete mind fuck to me that someone who should be grateful they woke up in the morning would waste their time sitting in a boring classroom. Way to really enjoy those last few years of life asshole!

So the solution? Don’t come back to school you assholes. I’m about to give you something better than a first year seminar, I’m going to give you a life lesson: You had your chance when you were younger, and you blew it. Plus, if you can afford college, you probably have a pretty solid job anyway. Even if you do graduate, what good does it do? If you’re the middle aged woman you are going to be outworked by people half your age looking for the same entry level positions. If you’re elderly, you’re done working and will probably die soon anyway. So how about you guys just skip this bullshit and let the future of the country do the bare minimum to graduate like a normal person? If you REALLY insist on bettering yourselves, at least go to one of those schools specifically for old people. They built those for a reason. Know how you feel  unwanted and uncomfortable around all us “kids”? It’s because you are unwanted and should definitely feel uncomfortable. We don’t come to your living room and watch lifetime or to your bingo hall to interrupt your game, so stay the fuck out of our classroom. It sucks enough already.

PS- Enjoy the school year dorks!

PPS- How creepy would it be to go back to my school just to walk the campus and check out hot chicks? I used to be pretty solid at getting jawns on campus. Plus, chicks my age can not compare to a nice looking 20 year old. It’s really depressing, and probably the only thing I will remember from my college years.

Believe it or not George isn’t at home, leave a message a the beep.

So, I know what you’re thinking…”Timmy, this is a really small thing to hate. No one can relate.” Well, guess what? NOTHING is too small to hate, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I didn’t get to where I am in the hatred hall of fame by overlooking the small things. There are so many things I hate that don’t make it to the blog because I think they’re too petty or I wouldn’t have enough to say about…but no longer. Starting now, it ALL makes the blog. So yeah, that means one day there might be an entire day dedicated to how fucking annoying and worthless saran wrap is, or how much it annoys me when people in the park stop me to say hello while I’m running with headphones in. But for now, the topic at hand is people with stupid greetings on their voice mails/answering machines…and yes I realize answering machines are out dated, but my new job has taught me plenty of people still have them.

So if I had to guess, I’d say I place around 200 phone calls a day. Now as everyone who reads this blog knows by now, I HATE being on the phone. I wrote a blog about it already. Just really rubs me the wrong way for some reason, like a priest with an altar boy. But it’s part of my job, so I do it. I work during the day, so most normal people aren’t home and I just leave a message for them. Absolutely makes my dick move when someone with a foreign name doesn’t pick up and I don’t have to talk to them. Know what makes my bird shrivel up and crawl inside myself? When I get an answering machine and have to listen to some stupid fucking introduction, because the person who owns the phone thinks they’re clever or witty or funny or cute or something THEY ARE NOT. I don’t know if this was cool before I was born or something when answering machines were new and exciting, but it is certainly not cool now. It’s just downright annoying and obnoxious. I don’t know what bothers me  about this more, actually having to sit through some long winded greeting delivered by a person that can barely contain themselves because they think they’re so fucking clever….or trying to wrap my head around the fact someone took the time to do this. Most people sit around wondering why we exist or if there’s a God (Hint: there’s not.). Me? I sit around absolutely fuming thinking to myself “WHO THE FUCK WOULD HAVE A GREETING LIKE THIS ON THEIR MACHINE?!”

There are essentially 3 categories to these greetings: funny (but not actually funny), cute (but not actually cute), and cool (but not actually cool). Let’s start with the first one, the poor attempt at being funny. There is NOTHING funny about answering machine jokes, and this is coming from a guy who loves to laugh at things like rape jokes and people dying in stupid ways on youtube. Know how I can tell you’re not a funny person and your greeting is not going to be funny before I even reach the punch line? Because you have a greeting in the first place, and anyone who has one is a desperate un-funny dumb fuck. It’s like being told a joke by a nun or something. If you thought to yourself “Know what would be funny? If I put something silly on my answering machine”…you are not funny. In fact, that’s a rule for life in general: If you think plan and scheme ways to be funny, you’re probably not funny. People are either funny or they’re not, it’s natural. Unless you’re a woman, then you’re just not funny.

Cute messages annoy me even more. It’s 4:30 pm and I’ve been here since 9am…I don’t want to hear your nasally little shit of a kid tell me to leave a message. It’s not cute, it’s obnoxious and he/she will probably get bullied at school their entire lives and kill themselves before they graduate high school, all because you instantly made them into a dork at a young age by convincing them shit like this was cool or funny. Bet you didn’t think of that, did you? Just saving lives here, NBD. I don’t want an introduction by your entire family either. It’s absolutely crazy how many people have messages like “it’s John…Brittany…and Debbie…. and you’ve reached the Smiths!”. I feel like I’m calling a celebrity family, except I’m not. I’m calling some middle class regular schmucks who will die alone and be forgotten. I don’t give a fuck about them, I’m calling for one person, and only that person. Unless someone else in your family has business with me, I don’t give a fuck about them.

Finally, the “cool” ones. This is easy: nothing is cool about having a greeting like this, so we’ve already eliminated the possibility of you actually being cool. You’re probably just really desperate and alone and clingy and annoying and wear jean shorts and listen to really bad music just because it’s popular. God, using the word “and” that many times in one sentence is such poor English it made me giggle like a little bitch. But anyway, yeah, you’re not cool. Saying “peace” at the end of your greeting isn’t cool, in fact it’s the very opposite of not cool. And don’t try sounding like you’re too cool for my message either…”I’m probably out partying or at the gym or kicking it…you know what to do, peace.”. You’re right, I do know what I want to do. I want to jump through this phone and choke the living fuck out of with your phone cord until your eyeballs pop like eggshells and I can piss on your lifeless body that no one will ever find….and it’s not because I’m going to hide it, it’s because you’re not cool and no one cares about you enough to look. So in conclusion, don’t do this. Be normal. Let the robot lady handle your voice mail, she does a much better job and keeps things simple.

PS- I HATE being told to have a “blessed” day for some reason. It sends me into rage mode instantly. What the fuck does that even mean? Especially since I’m an atheist. Even if I were a devout catholic, I’d be extremely bothered by the idea that God is wasting his time blessing my day and ignoring all the poor and dying folk. Real fucked up.

So it’s that time of year again….when the newest “Madden” (or “Dat Matten Jawn as it’s known where I’m from) game comes out and the entire country comes to a stand still. Why do people continue to buy it every year? Is it really that good? Probably not, most people just buy it out of habit. It’s part of getting pumped up for the NFL season, like how I buy a new Phillies hat every year for opening day despite the fact all my hats look new because I barely ever wear them. But Madden can genuinely be the best game on Earth when you put two people together who don’t abuse the living fuck out of it. So let’s break down the X’s and O’s of proper Madden etiquette.

1. No one gets to be the home team: This is just the most basic rule of all. No one gets to be their home team. Why? I have no fucking clue, you just don’t. It’s probably because if everyone in the room could choose one team, it’d be their home team. And also because by the first week of the regular NFL season, you’ve probably already got your home teams playbook memorized. So if you live in Philadelphia and are playing one of your friends, no, you do no get to be the Eagles. And if you live in Philadelphia and the Cowboys are your favorite team, you’re just an attention whore that should have died when you jumped on that band wagon.

2.Don’t drop back 15 yards with your Quarterback: This is the most frustrating aspect of Madden, especially now that there are so many Quarterbacks good at running. I don’t give a fuck if it works in the game, it’s not how the game is played. It’s a loophole, and if you abuse it you are an asshole. There is no defense for using this tactic. If you do this, it’s because you suck at the game and need something to fall back on. Even Michael Vick isn’t dumb enough to drop back 20 yards before throwing a ball, so you shouldn’t be either. Being smarter than Michael Vick isn’t that much of an accomplishment, but being dumber than him certainly is.

3.Don’t go for it on 4th down: Now obviously there are going to be situations where you NEED to go for it on 4th down. NONE of these situations occur in the first 3 quarters of an NFL football game, unless you’re just heaving a long pass down to the endzone right before halftime runs out. It never ceases to amaze me how many fucking assholes go for it EVERY 4th down and use one of the 3 Madden plays that ALWAYS work to obtain the first down. If you do this, you are an asshole.

4.Don’t use cheese plays constantly: Look, by now we all know what plays work every single time. TE slant will work 1000 out of 1000 times, that’s just science…and while it doesn’t mean you should NEVER use the play, it does mean you shouldn’t abuse the fuck out of it. If you go to play online (which I advise against) you will play people who do NOTHING but the 4 or 5 plays that ALWAYS work. The game simply can’t keep up with certain plays and people abuse the living fuck out of it. They’re the same assholes who use some random ass team no one cares about like the Browns and then does 15 different moves before the snap in an attempt to set up some glitch ass play. They suck and I hope they die in a fire. Fun Fact: Back in Madden 98, the “X X Square”  (WR Fade) would work EVERY time. Great for beating big brothers.

Timmy’s Guide to a Fair game: All pro difficulty, because with all madden on the defense essentially plays itself. When you go to select a team you do the only fair thing possible, press RANDOM. You get three shots at this. If you like your team, you pick it and play the game. If you don’t, you press random again and decide if you want that team or to spin the wheel one final time. You DO NOT get to hit random 3 times and select the best team, I don’t know who came up with that but they are retarded. There’s absolutely no risk involved in that. And the easiest part of all :play the game like a REAL game on TV. It is really that simple. No bullshit, no shenanigans, no crazy tricks. Madden is supposed to be a simulation, and it would play like one if people weren’t so god damn obsessive about finding tricks to win. So if you watch football, use your football knowledge and play accordingly. If you don’t watch football, you are an asshole and if you read this far it means you’re stupid too.

PS- EA needs to change their slogan to “If it’s in the game, don’t abuse the living shit out of it just because it’s in the game”….too long?

Know what Timmy loves? Drinking. Know what Timmy hates? Stupid fucking drinking games. I don’t know why, but with the exception of beer pong, drinking games just really rub me the wrong way. Maybe it’s because I don’t enjoy watching the thing I like most being treated like some sort of show pony or dime store whore. Drinking is a reward unto itself. No one needs to twist my arm to get me to have a drink with them. I don’t need anything extra to be motivated to drink until I lose consciousness on my couch and people start setting off fireworks in my front yard (actually happened Sunday), life motivates me to do that on it’s own. The best part about finishing a beer IS NOT winning some stupid fucking contest. The best part of finishing a beer is knowing that you’re about to start drinking ANOTHER beer. If it seems too simple, that’s because it is that simple.

I feel like anyone who needs to play these games to drink doesn’t actually enjoy drinking or is just too socially inept to handle talking to other people without something going on to force conversation…like flipping some stupid fucking cups. I don’t know who the fuck invented this stupid fucking game, but they need to be dragged across a combination of rusty screws and salt…and then tossed into a dunk tank full of lemon juice. It is literally the DUMBEST game ever invented, and this is coming from someone who has wasted thousands of hours of his life playing games. I’d rather be forced to completely finish “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” on Nintendo (the impossible one where you walked around the city and then ducked into sewers..not the good ones) than play a SINGLE game of flip cup. Last time I was at a party, I had to find a sub just avoid it…thanks Katie, for sparing me 2 minutes of suffering that completely dwarfs the crucifixion. Flipping a cup over isn’t fun, it’s just plain frustrating and stupid. It’s not challenging and it involves no skill…it’s like playing “Mario Party” or going through life as a hot chick, but nowhere near as entertaining.

The only thing worse than flip cup is those retarded board games people buy, or even worse, make. Buying one of these things is pathetic enough, but if you took the time to actually make your own, you are on a level of obnoxious and annoying that towers over the rest of humanity. From my experience, only women do this, but I’m sure there’s a bunch of dumb fuck frat bros out there who have wasted hours of their lives on something only people with the IQ of a brain damaged crack baby could find fun. Seriously, I don’t want to be competitive or have to think when I’m drinking. In fact, thinking too much is exactly why I drink so much. Drinking is a way of relaxing, and I gotta tell you, it’s not relaxing to sit around a bunch of people cheering and yelling while cramped around a board the size of my small Irish dick. I don’t want to think about winning or losing anything, especially when it’s completely based on luck. I have no luck and constantly find myself losing…hence the drinking. I don’t need to re-enforce it with your poorly crafted cardboard piece of shit.

The people who are all about drinking games are the same people who are assed out by 930 and miss all the good stuff. Drinking is more like a marathon than a race. Lay it all on the line too soon, and you’ll find yourself laying on the ground while everyone else is convincing gross chicks to play “just the tip” at 3am in the back seat of their cars. Drinking is the greatest thing ever invented, and it CAN NOT be improved upon by making a game of it. The only way drinking gets any better is to find things that “go with” drinking, and don’t fundamentally change the drinking itself. For example “drinking AND watching baseball”, “drinking AND eating a cheese-steak”, “drinking and smoking a cigar”, “drinking and hooking up with gross chicks so you have an excuse for why you did it”, etc…. The drinking is the constant, not the variable . It’s like Kate Upton, it can’t be improved upon because it’s already perfect. So shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down, and enjoy your beer.