If only...

So of all the classic monsters, I think vampires may be my favorite. I’ve read “Dracula” maybe 6x now and am still not tired of it. Vampires have pretty much the worst curse ever….having to live forever and not being affected by alcohol. I’m 25 years old and have had enough of this shit already, I can not fathom having to live for thousands of years in a castle without cable TV and no vagina unless I turn the woman attached to said vagina into a vampire which I would then have to live with for all eternity. It ALMOST makes marriage seem bearable. The whole having to drain people’s blood part to live never really made them seem that bad to me. I eat some animals that were born specifically to be slaughtered and deep fried every weekend, so how am I going to judge a vampire for having to suck the blood out of some asshole every now and then? In fact, I actually feel worse for the animals than the people. If you were a vampire you could choose who you eat. Maybe you just eat criminals that are on death row anyway, or rapist and thieves. Does anyone really care then? Animals are always innocent, so in my book it’s worse. Vampires are lonely and manipulative monsters that would tear your throat out and turn your into one just to have some company for a while. Well at least they were, until my generation did what they do best…ruined things.

“Twilight” is obviously to blame for the current state of the vampire, that’s just common sense. Everything vampire related since Twilight has tried to mimic it in some form or fashion. Instead of being tortured souls that feed on the weak, they’re emo dudes with too much hair gel who sparkle like diamonds when the sun comes out instead of exploding into ashes and dying. That’s a staple of my generation, nothing is black and white. People can’t just be monsters or awful human beings, they’re “misunderstood” or “not diagnosed”. It’s fucking pathetic. Everyone has an excuse for everything, and now they’re applying the same rules to classic characters who have been around for hundreds of years and it drives me up a fucking wall. It’s one thing to put a new “twist” on something, like say “Day-breakers” or “I Am Legend” (the incredible short story, not the shitty movie). They changed the society the vampires lived in, but not the core of what a vampire actually is.

It’s a completely different thing to completely change the core being of what a Vampire actually is. They are not cute emotional kids who somehow manage to look better pale than tan who feed on animals because they feel bad for humans. They are tortured souls who are driven to madness by years of loneliness that murder and rape people. The only reason they ever turn someone into a vampire is to have some fucking company, not out of love. If you want a vampire in a modern setting, it would be much closer to the vampires in “Blade” than the douche bags in “True Blood”. Oh yeah, fuck that show. I’ve seen about 6 minutes of that show and can already tell you it’s fucking stupid. The first time I put it on I thought it was one of those awful comedies where they parody movies. I could not believe it was this show I keep hearing people rave about. The effects are awful, the people are terrible actors, and it actually seems more like a soap opera than an actual soap opera.

And how come all vampires are attractive now? When the fuck did that become part of the mythos? Because the best vampire ever (Bella Lugosi) was certainly NOT a handsome man, and that dude is the epitome of Vampire. There will never be anyone who comes close to portraying a vampire as well as he did. If you’re going to create a world where there are A LOT of Vampires like “Twilight” or “True Blood”, then it stands to reason that not all of them are going to be knock outs. Just common sense really, the world is an ugly place, therefore some of those ugly people should be vampires. “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” is the only modern vampire book I can think of with ugly Vampires, and apparently it is a TERRIBLE movie anyway so no one will ever see it since people are stupid and don’t read. Someone needs to write a good classic vampire story that absolutely annihilates all this Twilight bullshit. Although even if someone did write something deep and meaningful that resurrected vampires, it would not be read by the mouth breathing neanderthal fucktards of the world anyway…and they’re the ones who determine what gets made and what doesn’t. It’s why everything is being dumbed down,because people are getting progressively dumber. It’s reached the point I wish vampires were never imagined into existence rather than face this watered down metro-sexual/emotional fate. I’d rather take a stake to the heart than have vampires go down this path.

PS- Twighlight’s review scores from rotten tomatoes are a good way to make yourself feel better if this bothers you.

Twilight: 49%

Twilight Eclipse: 49%

Twilight New Moon: 28%

Twlight Break Dawn Part 1:25%