So the 4th of July is tomorrow and do you know what that means? Bright flashing lights and loud booms most likely accompanied by some awful country music. I don’t know why this is how we choose to celebrate being American, but it is annoying as fuck. In fact, I guess that’s EXACTLY what makes it so American. Being loud, flashy, and annoying everyone around except for the nitwits who are still impressed with big shiny things is actually pretty god damn American. And don’t get me wrong, I love living here. I mean I hate everything around me, but that’s a product of the retards I am surrounded with. The original intent and ideas about this country I can certainly get behind. Freedom for all and what not, good shit. I can say and do pretty much whatever the hell I want. I even love the 4th of July despite the fact there’s really nothing that separates it from your standard BBQ. What I can not stand is loud fucking booming noises that are partnered with flashes of obnoxious light. It freaks me the fuck out, and there’s no place for it in my world.
Here’s a little known Timmy fact: I HATE thunder and lighting. Now don’t confuse that with being SCARED of thunder. Timmy ain’t scared of nothing, except snakes. Fuck snakes. I’m not scared of being struck by lightning, hell I welcome the opportunity to get off this shitty little rock we call Earth ASAP. And the loud blasting noises of thunder don’t really freak me out. I mean I play video games all day at full volume that are rife with loud booms. It’s the waiting in between the noises. I don’t know if I’m A.D.D or what, but my mind is always running at 100 miles per hour and I am ALWAYS anxious. I’m NEVER thinking about what I’m doing in the moment, I’m thinking about the next moment. I also hate surprises, I plan EVERYTHING. So it freaks me the fuck out when a flash of light comes and I have to sit there waiting for some loud booming noise to rape my ear drums. It’s what I imagine being told coach Sandusky is coming down to the showers to bond with the boys felt like. Just nothing but anxiousness and terror while you wait for something bad to happen, although at least thunder’s not going to bend me over and tickle my poop chute. That’s what fireworks are: packaged thunder.
Another point if I may. We live in Philadelphia…is it really necessary to have more loud booms accompanied by lights and screams than we already do? During the summer, I sit in my room like a fucking scientist trying to decide if the last sound was a gunshot or firework. I can’t imagine what sort of frustration this must cause for police officers. 4th of July in the hood must feel like being in a pitch black room at a swinger’s party, just a lot of reaching with the hopes that whatever you finally get your hands on is in fact a woman. Another thing I don’t get about fireworks, how the hell are they still impressive? 100 years ago I could totally understand. But now? You can watch a movie in crystal clear HD with 10,000 explosions on screen at once. Unless you are a child or severely challenged, fireworks should not be impressive to you. If you have a child, I suppose I could understand wanting to watch your kids enjoy the fireworks.
Last but certainly not least, I don’t know what it is about fireworks, but they make bitches want to hold hands or be close. Timmy don’t like hugs, holding hands, or being touched in general…unless it’s below the belt and she’s not using her hands. It is fucking July, it’s too hot to be close. The last thing I want to accompany all the commotion fireworks cause is some sweaty broad hanging all over me telling me about how “pretty” the fireworks are. They’re not pretty either, they’re just light. You don’t finger blast yourself every time you turn on a lamp in your house do you? Then why would you go nuts for some random red/white/blue lights that fizzle out in 3 seconds? Makes no god damn sense. So please, do America a service and skip the fireworks this year. Celebrate your freedom in other ways…like drinking shitty beer, brewed and sold by the very people your dumb fuck uncle says we need to bomb to be safe.
PS- Or do what I do, drink 30 beers and listen to this song on repeat while stumbling around and screaming AMERICUH!