So it’s summertime, and that means that everyone in Philadelphia is trying to get to the shore as often as possible. After you brave the traffic, which I am convinced is all due to women, you’re all excited to go. Now it’s probably too early to hit the bar (really only because they’re too expensive. It’s NEVER too early to hit the bar in my world), so what you’re going to want to do is hit the beach. I mean having a pool is nice and all, but it’s nowhere near as awesome as going to the beach. So anyway, after unpacking you get dressed and spread more white cream (suntan lotion) on your body than Jerry Sandusky would at a chuck-e-cheese. Grab some booze and towels, maybe a radio, and you’re good to go….until that one friend that’s as fun as having sex with your wife of 10 years complains that they don’t like the beach. They don’t want to go. They hate it. And you know what? They’re absolutely fucking retarded.
There is NOTHING to hate about the beach, and this is coming from me for Christ’s sake. Let that settle in for a minute. A kid that has a web-site about hating everything from being hugged to people who can’t handle stop signs has NOTHING negative to say about the beach. So clearly if you don’t like it, there’s something wrong with YOU, not the beach. The beach is everything that is good. It has it all. Booze to drink, games to play, music/baseball to listen to. A huge ocean to stare at and ponder the mysteries of life. Or to swim in and get smacked around by some waves like your Chris Brown’s newest girlfriend. And don’t tell me the ocean is dirty. The ocean isn’t dirty, you’re just a fucking stupid sissy that gets freaked out by seaweed or shells. Grow a pair and hop in, people have been doing it for ages just fine. Oh and let’s not forget the best part of the beach (and life): TITTIES! TITTIES OUT, TITTIES OUT! Everywhere. It’s THE BEST. I’m getting a little chubbed up thinking about it and I’m not even there. Tits are the reason sunglasses exist. If you actually believe they exist to protect your eyes, you’re a fucking idiot. Wear a hat if you want to protect your eyes. Wear shades if you want to eye fuck the shit out of some half naked jawn bouncing around in the ocean and not get charged with anything or having to deal with your girlfriend/wife geting all angry and having her period all over your new beach towel.
One more thing these beach hating anti-American communist cock suckers do that drives me up a wall…complain about the sand. “Wahhh I don’t want to have sand all over me”. Know what assbag? If you want to have fun, you’re going to have to get dirty sometimes. That’s a general rule of thumb for life. Are you not going to bang some chick in your local hole in the wall’s bathroom just because it’s dirty? Of course not. Plus, they have these crazy new inventions called showers and hoses that will actually clean the sand off of you when you get back from the beach. Fucking crazy,right? Science, what will you bring us next?! If I could take being sprayed with sand over having to pay a cover charge at the strip club, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’m sure you were going to shower before you went out that night anyway, unless you’re a disgusting asshole, in which case you have no shot of getting laid anyway. So please, don’t be that douche bag that goes down to the shore and then has the audacity to complain about the beach. If you didn’t want to go to the beach, then you shouldn’t have gone to Wildwood/Cape May/Ocean City, wherever. It’s completely fucking obnoxious. It’d be like walking into an amusement park and then telling someone you don’t like rides ( I have a friend that actually did this once). Even if you bitch nonstop about how much you hate the beach, I guarantee you will enjoy yourself if you suck it up and go. It’s impossible not to. If you hate the beach, you’re a fucking weirdo that needs to be checked into some looney bin where they put all the other people from society who are too weird to function. If you hate the beach, you hate America and fun and boobs. And if you hate boobs, there is no saving you.