Know what can ruin any good dinner? Aside from having me say something inappropriate that brings the entire dinner conversation to a halt, that is. Styrofoam plates. They are absolutely awful. Nothing irks me more than something that does not do what it’s supposed to do. It’s like at work when shit breaks and the IT guy doesn’t know what the problem is. Drives me up a fucking wall. Your job is to know what’s wrong, and how to fix it. If you don’t know what’s wrong, you’re not doing your job. Same concept with Styrofoam plates. They are supposed to function as a cheap alternative to actual plates, but don’t perform any of the functions that you would want your plate to do. Maybe this is just me being a tad bit OCD, because I do tend to notice little things that bother the fuck out of me and seemingly no one else, but I feel like if anyone actually took the time to sit down and think about it they would agree with me.
Does a Styrofoam plate actually EVER hold food? Because I can not think of a single time that it held anything other than a hot dog without needing to be doubled down. I have yet to see one documented case of a single Styrofoam plate actually securing a meal. It’s never been done, ever, in the history of mankind. In fact, they specialize in letting your food slip and slide all over the place and ruin the whole thing like some drunk mess at Frankford and Cottman. If you have more than one item on your plate, you might as well just go fuck yourself, because at some point they are all going to be mish mashed together like some sort of rejected abstract art project. Oh and you better eat fast as shit if you plan on using one at a BBQ, because even a sneeze from an asthmatic infant could knock one of these things out of your hand. It’s fucking ridiculous. That’s not even the worst aspect of Styrofoam plates, that’s just the top level. I’m taking this analysis in depth, because plates actually have more than one job to do beside holding onto your food. Unlike Styrofoam plates, I go the extra mile. So let’s continue.
How about being able to go through the microwave? Because they fail in that regard as well. If you microwave something for more than 10 seconds, you can count on having a hole burn directly through your plate. They have absolutely NO heat resistance whatsoever. I feel like a strong enough fart could put a hole in one of these things. They’re absolutely repulsive to look at after a cycle in the microwave. Nothing ruins a hot pocket like having some white plastic embedded into my cheddar and ham. And I sincerely hope that you did not plan on having any meal that may require you to actually cut anything, because Styrofoam plates and knives go together as well as Batman and crime. It’s like going to the casino. You just know, deep down, in the very fiber of your being, that NOTHING good is going to come from it. Yet you hope for the best, and when you lose all your money…or in this case slice your plate in half, you STILL get angry. Styrofoam plates get cut quicker than a white kid on a basketball team.
So what’s the solution? BURN THEM ALL. Yeah, I know that would be terrible for the environment. But you know what? I’m not going to be alive long enough to feel the effects, so what the fuck do I care? We should just get a huge landfill and stock it with every Styrofoam plate on Earth, and set fire to it. It would be so simple and quick given their how poorly they handle being heated up. Hell, we can even throw in every single copy of “Twilight” and “50 Shades of Grey” to really keep the fire going. And snakes too, because fuck snakes. But I suppose if you’re looking for a more practical solution, you could just use paper plates like me. They’re the greatest invention ever. By the end of the week, there’s about 9 paper plates stacked on the floor in my room that held my meals throughout the week and kept everything secure. I mean you have to double down if you’re going with some huge meal, but these new thick Dixie paper plates are to die for. Top notch science right there. Makes me wonder why anyone would even own Styrofoam plates. In fact, that’s a life lesson for you right there, free of charge. 2 warning signs you’re in a psychopath’s house…1. they have yellow mustard instead of spicy brown mustard and 2.they have Styrofoam plates instead of paper plates. If someone has both, they’ve also probably got a bunch of dead bodies in the basement as well.
PS- Notice how you got a blog the first day of the week already? That’s because it was a reader suggestion. So people, send questions/topics to Timmyhateseverything@gmail.com and I’ll try and piece together some barely legible humor for you. Or if you’re lazy, you can use the fan page. I’m about to have a very long and painful work week, and don’t want to have to do any extra thinking.