People That Can’t Handle Hypothetical Questions

Yeah, I realize this is probably the most random topic ever posted on here, but I don’t care. I’m not making any money off this site anyway since apparently ad companies aren’t comfortable putting their logo on a site that regularly uses words like “thundercunt” and “retarded”.¬† Plus, I absolutely LOVE hypothetical questions, no matter how asinine they may be. People always ask me how I can enjoy being alone all the time and not get tired¬† of it. The answer is because I’m constantly thinking about shit. Know why I always have a witty comeback or something really offensive and gross to say? It’s because I thought of it while sitting alone in my room 2 weeks ago. I was just letting it marinate until I felt the time was right to unleash it upon the world. Despite the fact I rarely open my mouth (unless I’m with the 8 people I’m comfortable with, then I never shut up), my mind is always going 100mph. I think of the most random shit all day and entertain myself. For example, if I trained enough, could I really be Batman? Probably not, but I’ll narrow it down scientifically before I decide it’s an impossibility. So if I was to ever actually talk to someone new (which I HATE), hypothetical questions would be the only thing I’d have any interest in talking about. I can sit with my friend at work and bullshit about ridiculous things that would never actually happen all day. That’s the fun part, they’re so off the wall that you have to be dumb as a brick not to have an answer. If you put me on an island with 1 other person, I could live happy forever, because I could think of a bunch of ridiculous shit to quiz that person on. Yet there always has to be some asshole that can’t handle it.

Anyone that can not handle hypothetical questions should just be eliminated from the human race immediately, in the quickest way possible. I’m always astounded by someone who can’t answer a simple question like “Would you cut off your finger to fuck Scarlett Johanson?” (the answer is yes). Not being able to answer hypothetical questions is just a clear cut sign that you are a weirdo. If you’re afraid to answer because you think everyone is judging you, you’re an insecure goofball. Seriously, I hate when I ask a girl some ridiculously gross hypothetical question just for kicks, and she just talks about how gross it is instead of answering. STOP DODGING THE QUESTION! The entire point of a hypothetical question is to laugh at the answer. There’s no need to think about it or be embarrassed, it’s never actually going to happen…hence the term “hypothetical”. I find it really hard to understand people who get grossed out by something that isn’t actually happening in front of them. People literally gag if I start talking about taking a shit in her gross shit. Makes no sense to me, whenever I hear something ridiculously gross, I laugh my ass off. It’s 2012, I’ve seen testiscles sewn to golf balls back in the infancy of the internet. Nothing fazes me anymore. I saw a guy with his head run over by a train BY ACCIDENT today. So quit being a pussy.

The other type of person that really mashes my potatoes is the type of psychopath that actually gets upset over a hypothetical question….also known as women. If your girlfriend/boyfriend gets mad over your answer to a question that will never actually happen, break up with them immediately. That is some deep seeded insecure shit that I will just never be able to come to terms with. I can’t imagine what sort of lunatic would get mad at a guy over him saying he would bang some hot chick despite the fact it’s never going to actually happen. Especially when it’s a celebrity. I HATE when chicks get mad when you say someone famous is hotter than them. OF COURSE THEY ARE, THEY’RE FAMOUS! If you were that hot, you’d be famous too. But you’re not famous, are you? So the question sort of answers itself. There’s no reason to get upset, I’m not famous either. All I’m saying is don’t do the typical girly thing and ruin all the fun. Surprise me. Say something ridiculously gross I would never expect. That’s how you win Timmy’s heart! And if you take the answers seriously or think it actually reflects on the person, you are an idiot. One question I hate being asked (but not asking others) is “Would you do _______ for a million dollars?”. I will tell you in all seriousness right now, there is NOTHING I wouldn’t do for a million dollars, judge me all you want. I would let the entire population of a prison in Atlanta gangbang me. I would run my best friend over with my car. I would murder my family as long as I got off free. I would burn down an orphanage. I would drop a nuclear bomb on an already poor country. I would throw a bucket of puppies into shark infested waters, and I LOVE puppies. All I’m saying is, hypothetical questions are the best, try not to ruin them.

PS- My favorite question to ask people… would you drink a jar of vagina blood for a million dollars? You can use a straw and have it chilled if you want, but there will be loose skin flakes and hairs in it. Enjoy your lunch break!