Fat Chicks in Yoga Pants

I DID make this one. Points!

Here’s the thing, I don’t have anything against fat people or fat chicks specifically. How could I? I’m fat as fuck. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t bring myself to nail a chick that I’d need mountain climbing gear to mount. But I also realize due to my own fatness that every girl I hook up with will probably have a few extra pounds. I could definitely stand to lose like 50 pounds myself, but unless they make calorie free beer, it ain’t happening. I only eat 3 times a day, 1 of those is a bagel and the other meal is a slim fast, and the third is whatever my Dad makes for dinner.  I’m STILL fat. I also work out every day, and have not lost  a pound because March Madness is upon us and I’m putting in 14 hour days of drinking. So trust me when I say that I understand how much being fat sucks and can certainly sympathize with you, but let’s be honest here, it’s no one else’s fault. So I don’t feel the least bit bad about picking on people, because I’m honest with myself. I’m fair as shit too. I won’t make fun of ANYONE for JUST being fat, I will however, make fun of people who are fat and dress like they’re not. Why? Because if you’re going to be a fat fuck like me, you need to know your strengths and weaknesses. You should also know that yoga pants are for people who are in shape.

As a fat man, I know about dressing myself appropriately. People are always blown away by the fact I have a MASSIVE beer gut, because I hide it well. I’m like the Houdini of fatness. You don’t know I’m fat until maybe the morning AFTER we hooked up, because I’m smart enough to know to leave my shirt on during sex. That’s no good for either of us. Pictures? As long as I don’t smile, I don’t look fat. I usually let off a small smirk so one of my 19 chins doesn’t rear it’s ugly head. So my question for women who do this would be ” I’m a 25 year old socially inept loser with awful looks that are only matched by a terrible personality, yet I STILL know how to dress well. Why don’t you? You’re a fucking girl. Isn’t dressing well supposed to be one of your things?”. And I imagine that I would either be slapped or eaten for this. This is like ALL reality television, I just don’t get how so many people can do something so stupid.

This shit never ceases to amaze me, and I feel like I’m seeing it more and more. I don’t understand how someone can be so oblivious to the world around them or have such a skewed perception of themselves. Know why I don’t wear sleeveless t-shirts? Because I’m fat and no girl wants to see that. Same reason I can’t pull off V-necks or anything under an XL.  So why don’t you bitches understand that if I can see your tattoo (probably of a cat that is stretched so much it now resembles a tiger) THROUGH your pants, that they’re too tight? I mean I really want to sit and watch some fat fucking pig put on yoga pants, look at herself in the mirror and say “Yeah, this DEFINITELY looks good”. Then I want to handcuff her to a chair and make her eat herself like that obese dude in “Seven”. I just can’t see how any reasonable fat woman could think that yoga pants were a viable option. I could understand wearing them around the house to be comfortable in, I do the same thing with a bunch of shit I would NEVER wear in public. But let’s be clear here, yoga pants are for women with fantastic bodies to show off their shit cannons, and I am very thankful for that.

So while I can’t set a weight limit on yoga pants because I honestly don’t know what the average woman weighs (I guessed 120 LBs and my friend looked at me like I was retarded), I can set some basic ground rules. If you CAN’T DO YOGA, you can’t wear yoga pants. BOOM. How fucking easy was that? Just another basic concept that would improve the world, brought to you by Timmy.  Now I realize this will probably eliminate some good looking girls who just have terrible balance, but sacrifices need to be made. Look, I’m turning on my own fat brethren here to make the world a better place, the least you can do is cooperate with me. Remember how at the end of the Deceptive Fat Chick Facebook blog I called anyone who does this a “fat fucking liar”? Well that applies here again as well, except this time you bitches are lying to yourselves and offending everyone with eyes. Get your shit together. Us fatties already have it hard enough, you’re only making it worse.